My Christmas / Year-end list

1. A boyfriend
2. A trip to Paris

Stop. Should be the other way round. 1. Go to Paris. 2. Get a boyfriend there. Ymmmmm. The rest can follow.

3. Go FNAC and listen to free music
4. Meet up old friends.
5. Check out the places I have stayed and been to before. And test my memory (smile).
6. Savor the beauty of the city once more, IN BIG GULP!
7. Get a cam-recorder or whatever you call that now.

Happiness

After having enough courage to meet up with someone I have been dreaming about for 20 odd years, I would say that life takes an important, perhaps revolutionary turn. Afterall, I am heading for my happiness ;). I also spoke to my buddy friend briefly yesterday and today I had a happy lunch with him. Haven’t been disturbing my buddy ‘cause he’s newly married and don’t want to give him such bad news.

For the first time since a long period of puzzling mixed feelings of anger, confusion, mindlessness perhaps, and loss, TODAY I am back to myself. My demanding side has taken control. GOOD FOR YA, GAL!!!

Who needs a loser? Not me ;) I am ready for new dates, a new life, and new fun!! Keeping my fingers crossed now. Hopefully the Lord will grant me new happiness and new purpose in life. No doubt I haven’t been a real goodie, and not obedient (God has never advocated divorce. In fact, no man shall break what the Lord has put together.). Hmmm, I am sure the Lord has never wanted an adulterer for His child, right? Hope I don’t incur any wrath here… … please please please.

I am happy to stop everything I have now and start all over ;). I will spend a big sum of money just to settle the divorce, I will be losing some things but gaining some. I don’t mind. I am happy. I am more confident about my life now. Maybe I will go to my favourite city and start all over, maybe I won’t. But I am happy. ;)

Paris, here I come! Maybe end of this year, maybe early next year. ;)

YIPPEE!!!! I MET UP WITH LTC TODAY FOR LUNCH!!!!

Hello, friend!

Spoken to our dear lady, LC, whom my current partner, NTM, has been secretly having an affair with at this moment. It was surprisingly an enjoyable conversation with her.

Strange how both ladies are more ready to meet up and talk face-to-face with no-bars held. The male lead is still hiding in his hole. Sigh… Got the guts to be romantically involved with someone but no guts to admit it, confront it and face all consequences. What a joke… In the end, it’s still the ladies running the show. What an embarrassment for the man who is perpetually running away from responsibilities and problems.

In general, she is attracted to the same qualities I was previously attracted to 5 years ago. The side he presented to me was a man who was decisive, strong-willed and independent. At that time, our dear NTM was real cosy with me while telling me matter-of-factly that he is seriously wooing another lady overseas!?

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his relationship with this other girl then. All I knew was that she was blowing hot and cold with him. He didn’t seem to know how to solve the problems he had with her. I had a bit of soft spot for him as well as a bit of pity for him. These are EXACTLY the same emotions that are running through LC now; presently I am blowing hot and cold too, and NTM could not solve the deep-rooted problems we had in our marriage. I felt I was seeing me in her. Years ago, that was the same me!

>>>>sidetrack>>>>

For 3 years, I had been waving a red light distress flag, “honey, do you feel there is something wrong with our marriage? Why do I feel that you are not the same person I know when we were dating?”

“…” no answer. NTM swept under the carpet all the question-marks I had raised.


Second year of marriage… “honey, something is really not right.” I felt compelled to love the person I married instead of loving him naturally, you know, without using your mind to rationalize and psycho yourself, you must love, you must love...

“Accept! Maybe that’s the way I truly am. Why can’t you love me just the way I am now?”

Fume… I really don’t agree with that suggestion…


Third year of marriage…both parties start to feel the strain in the relationship.
NTM: you don’t seem to love me.
Me: (thinking) what do you expect me to say now? It has already been so long…

>>>> back>>>>

Now in retrospect, I understood what happened. The reason why all his girlfriends walked out on him is because (same reason as what I am experiencing now), there are two binary halves of NTM, completely opposite to each other.

To the TEMP person who is standing in for the person he truly loves, he is impressive. How? Here’s how:
He is a mimicker, basically setting himself to become whatever the people around him mould him to be. He will mimic their ideals, their characters, their interest, talking to them in whatever way that will impress them. He loves the company of strong-will people (because he is not one). So, with our super-power, high-performance peers, he too was strong, outstanding, individualistic.

To the person he loves almost whole-heartedly, here we have:
We are home where his daddy, mommy are, BABY-NTM surfaces. In his relaxed and true-self mode, he is actually an INdecisive person, DEpendent on his daddy (can’t seem to do anything without his daddy to help him), no opinions of his own. Well, well, well, imagine the surprise I got when I married him. Hey! Where’s the NTM that was presented to me? Did I marry a different guy? Okay, start all over, I was attracted to a strong partner but this partner seems to be underperforming…

Well, for your own good, my friend, be on the alert-mode because you could be short-changed without knowing the real NTM…Sooner or later, you will be facing the same cycle that is recurring whenever the real NTM surfaces; marriage runs into problem due to difference in expectations (or was it a deception in the first place? Before promises were made?). NTM runs to another available pair of arms, away without any attempts to solve his problems. SIGH!

*m-E-o-W*

Last Friday was one of those nights that you would irk at even before it started. But God has a nice surprise for me.

I was home alone. The entrance grille door was locked but I left the entrance wooden door open. I like my spaces well ventilated. So no doubt it was night and my neighbourhood was quiet, I would still leave the door open. Only one small light in the living hall and my bathroom light were lit. It was still dark in the entire apartment.

I was standing outside the bathroom, half naked but still having a partial view of the living hall, when I heard an audible “meow”. I stopped digging in my drawer for clothes, and looked into the hall where the sound came from. There was nobody, no shadows too from where the entrance door was. I must have heard wrongly.

After I was fully dressed and was preparing to walk to the door for my night out, I saw something move on the floor. I walked quietly nearer. It leaped out from the shadows and out of the apartment via the grille door. It was a grey kitten! So I squatted down and try to coax it back with my own meowing. I am quite a cat-lover myself, so I do not mind having a cat in my place. In fact for the past few nights, I had been hearing some meowing. It sounded really desperate, like a kitten which was terribly scared and hungry. I thought somebody better help this poor soul. Now, the poor kitty actually walked into my place! Talk about connection.

(Sidetrack: My pet cat is staying at my mom’s place currently. As usual, moms are the ones cleaning the pets while we just cuddle and play with them.)

The kitten was really affectionate and was rubbing itself on me. It seemed really hungry. I gave her some water and plain biscuits. Sorry kitty, I don’t have kitten-friendly food with me. It took a dab at the biscuits but didn’t seem to want it. It wasn’t thirsty either. It continued meowing. It only paused when I stroke it or when I patted its head.

As I was intending to go out and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of leaving the kitten at my place alone, I phoned J. She stayed nearby and she’s a vet assistant. She was out but will return soon. She’s the best person to go to. She will know how to bathe it and attend to it. She has a mini-zoo at her place; two dogs, one cat that died recently, one chinchilla, a few dwarf hamsters, fishes and a bird. In the end, she took the kitten home. This morning she called me and here’s the good news: the kitten has been adopted!

Yeah! Happy meow!

Sanity in a bottle

Life has been pretty fucked up for this week. For the last few weeks, it has been an emotional roller-coastal; sometimes things seem ok, sometimes it’s frustrating.

Currently, I am trying to maintain sanity on my own. I have quite given up on confiding in friends. When solutions are quick, friends are rather patient with you. When it’s a long-term problem, it’s really hard to ask for more patience.

I took up jogging. Part of the reason is to have an outlet for excess negative energy. Brisk-walking is good too, though I am tickled by the various awkward movements. What butt sways and twists, ha! I am not a natural with it. Now that I am desperate for an outlet, who cares for ladylike movements!

I jog at 8am, I jog at 8pm, as and when I need. Tonight I will jog again. Maybe during the quiet jog, I can sort out some of my thoughts.

Last month I started blogging. In fact, it has been therapeutic for me too. A bit of recording, archiving, a bit of retrospection, and hopefully, a bit of future planning in the process. Some answers from myself, and probably some feedback from others. It’s fun to read about others too; inputs from all sorts of issues. I felt enriched when I know more.

Trace Back Time 3

LTC's Life Path Number:
7
A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul, and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion. You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too. You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy. You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone; your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. You really aren't a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness. Actually, it's not that at all, but merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration and because there is such a negative attitude. The negative 7 is very selfish and spoiled. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or in some way is not being fairly treated. Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.
http://www.astrology-numerology.com/num-lifepath.html

Trace Back Time 2

NTM's Life Path Number:
1
The Life Path 1 drive in this life is characterized by individualist desires, independence, and the need for personal attainment. The purpose to be fulfilled on this Life Path is that of becoming independent. This is a two part learning process; first, you must learn to stand on your own two feet and learn not to depend on others. After you are indeed free and independent, you must learn to be a leader. Many of our Generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path number 1. The 1 always has the potential for greatness as a leader, but they may fail as a follower. Many 1's spend most of their lives shaking off their dependent side. When this happens, there is little time left for enjoying the rewards to be gained through independence. The individual with Life Path 1 has to overcome an environment in which it is very easy to be dependent, and difficult to be independent.
A person with positive 1 traits abounds in creative inspiration, and possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. Your drive and potential for action comes directly from the enormous depth of strength you have. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You are ambitious, and either understand or must learn the need for aggressive action to promote yourself. Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you are highly self-centered and demand to have your way in most circumstances.
When the 1 Life Path person is not fully developed and expressing the negative side of this number, the demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent. If you are expressing this negative trait of the number 1, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances, and long for self-sufficiency. This is defined as the weak or dependent side of the negative 1 Life Path. On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Over-confidence and impatience mark this individual.
http://www.astrology-numerology.com/num-lifepath.html

Trace Back Time 1

You entered: 10/2/1974
Your date of conception was on or about 9 January 1974.
You were born on a Wednesdayunder the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2442322.5.
The golden number for 1974 is 18.
The epact number for 1974 is 6.
The year 1974 was not a leap year.

As of 11/11/2005 1:08:57 AM EST
You are 31 years old.
You are 373 months old.
You are 1,623 weeks old.
You are 11,363 days old.
You are 272,713 hours old.
You are 16,362,788 minutes old.
You are 981,767,337 seconds old.
You are 4.44735812133072 dog years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

There are 325 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 32 candles

Your birthstone is Tourmaline
The Mystical properties of Tourmaline:
Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary
Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

There are 44 days till Christmas 2005!

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waning gibbous.

6
The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.
The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.


Wednesday, October 2, 1974
Moon's age (days): 15
Distance (Earth radii): 61.55
Percent Illumination 98.36%
Ecliptic latitude (degrees): 3.81
Ecliptic longitude (degrees): 20.24

http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

My most beloved city, Paris!

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris. The art, the fashion, the wine, the men! Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park... You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?

Thanks Megan :) ,

I had a go at some of the tests too. Quite surprised by some of the results, especially the last two ones. Here's to share ;P

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You give and take equally in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

You Are a Rose

You are a total alpha female who tends to be a leader. Your friends depend on you to hold things together and make decisions. Men are drawn to your feminine powers and strength. While you are the center of attention, you are secretly introverted and a bit shy.

What Flower Are You?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Are a Good Student of Men

You're pretty good at knowing what men are thinking But you're not dead on 100% of the time Let your guy off the hook sometimes... because you may be reading him all wrong!

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Baseball caps

Lately I suddenly have an interest to wear a cap. Went to a sports outlet and got two caps instead; one in white/navy blue and the other in yellow. My friend said the one in white looks like a golf ball cap. Have not shown off the yellow one yet :)

Realised that wearing caps comes with a few unforseen benefits. I used to think that they are just used as sun-shading device or just to keep the head warm.

To name some examples:-

Yesterday I was pretty disgusted with NTM. Luckily I was wearing my cap and thus I could avert my eyes throughout the whole evening without looking rude. And I didn’t have to see him. Ha ha. No doubt I was grinding my teeth and didn’t have the choice to walk away.

Today I was really tired on the train. Slept through the entire morning trip. Fortunately my cap kept my hair in place and I didn’t have to look like one of those ghostly characters with long hair covering my face, and scaring everyone off. Besides the cap shielded my face and I wouldn’t feel awkward the minute I woke up and have my dangling head back in place above my neck.

Then while I was at my office building, nobody recognised me! Not even the security guard. Even my colleagues had a little shock. They thought a teenager had walked into the office. *Grin* No wonder movie stars or famous faces like to have their caps on. Great camouflage and hair accessory!