A spread on the wall: October 2005

H-A-L-L-O-W-E-E-N

Went to a Halloween party last Saturday, started out good with everyone surprising everyone in the darkness and with faces that shone only in the candle light. Ha ha. No pumpkins but we have orange balloons on the floor in place of that. Was expecting the halloween theme to go right through to the selection of food, maybe like a couple of bloody-looking tomato dishes. Nothing close to that and it was really tame, normal food we had.

Left early because there was another dinner appointment. We went to a Japanese restaurant. Nobody was celebrating Halloween there but the food that we ordered give us more gag than we bargained for.

To explain a little, it was one of those restaurants where a lot of Japanese go to and thus the menu was mainly in Japanese, with little English. We read no Japanese, so we just order whatever that seems exotic.

The first one that made us leap from our chairs is one that is called ‘milt’. Forgive our lack of vocabulary but we didn’t know what milt was and so when it came, we stared at the dish and then at each other. Mouths agape, half hoping that the dish might have been for the next table. Well, no, it’s for us. We asked the waitress what milt was, and that was when it dawned on us why the dish looked like the way it is looking at us… Okay, to clarify, it was the sperm sac of a cod fish. It’s supposed to be a delicacy. And, and! It’s not cheap. So happen that we chanced the season for that. My dinner companion was in a dilemma whether to eat it or not because mentally to him, it will be as though he is eating another male’s b*lls. To be honest, it tasted nothing like the other protein we imagined, and it was actually quite nice when eaten together with the sauce that came with it.

Then we had fish. Yeah! It’s called a sweet fish. I started with it’s belly. The white texture didn’t seem like flesh to me. My companion said it’s fish eggs. Okay, then I carried on to other parts of the fish. It’s still the same whitish-grey pearlly texture. Wow this fish is heavily pregnant, I thought. My companion explained that it’s probably the spawning season. At the end of it, the fish was truly full of eggs and there’s very little flesh to fill our stomachs.

Next, we had gizzards. Normally I don’t take that, but no harm trying. They came in the form of sticks stringing a few of them together and grilled over the fire. I believed they are chicken gizzards because they are quite small. Didn’t want to know too much detail then, especially when I was about to pop them into my mouth. What I understood was when you grilled these organs over fire, the outer skin tend to tighten and reveal partially whatever that is inside. So, the first piece at the end of the stick reminded me of the cranium of the other ‘head’ (of our male species)! WELL, FORGIVE ME. Our dinner was of the wierdest concoction, thanks to our choices, so you CAN’T BLAME ME for having a wild imagination while looking at my food!

I thought this meal was a more fitting meal for the earlier party.

Time-out 2

It has been a trying few days for me. A few bad news here and there from friends, while I myself is burdened with some problems too. In fact, I spent my Monday night camping out at my brother’s empty apartment. Just need to de-stress and have some peace and quiet to recover myself. Home is no longer such a lovely one when I have to face NTM’s harsh words. Such a disappointment! Really don’t see why I should take the brunt of things when the one at fault is not me. Will see how long my patience can take me.

Then last night, I dreamt of my LTC again (let's call it my long-time-crush, can refer to my blog on Dream Hunt). This morning I decided to ask him for his email address. He gave. Wonder if he has the same dreams as I do. And wonder if I should tell him about it and if he has any solution to that. Any advice, anyone? Do I have to have the same kind of dreams throughout my entire life? Any dream-decoders out there too?

Time-out 1

Time-out is very important to me. Even way before my NTM (can check out the definition on my earlier blogs) is no longer available, I have been doing a lot of things on my own, eg catch a movie, go to art galleries, meet up friends, have meals alone, cook for myself.
I think I am pretty comfortable with that. I find it very therapeutic. It’s like catching up with myself, listening to what my body and heart want, and just doing it.
I suppose I feel a little lonely at times, but it’s something I have to deal with. Loneliness is a problem when there’s something I want to share and no warm creature is available. Even so, I prefer to be alone than to be in the company of people who don’t really ‘click’ with me.
Let me give you a little of my background. Ever since when I was a kid, I ocsillate between being tremendously popular and being a solo. Once a classmate came up to me and said, "It's ok to be a loner. I admire you for that. :)"

AHHHH

Blogging on a Sunday???? Get OUT and get some SUN!!!!

Bon Weekend!

A great way to start the weekend. Flowers bring CHEER! Even photographs of flowers are pleasing. This is a photo collage of flowers in my kitchen. In times like this, one will question what my kitchen is used for!?! Not for cooking at this moment; definitely when the flowers are around, it's better to leave the grease and fumes to some other days. Cheers, Everybody!!!

Dream hunt

Was reading the topic on dreams by one of the bloggers. Thought I will have a go at it. Ready?

I have a recurring dream and it has been going on for a long long period of time. So long that I can’t remember when it actually started and how long I have been having it. The highest frequency of occurrence is about 5 times a week.

The scenario might change but the content of the dream is always the same. I am always searching for a person. In reality, this person was a classmate of mine. I was eleven then when I first know him. It wasn’t a strong-impact-at-first-sight kind of thing. Nothing of that. In fact, I think it took a while before I realized his existence. And when I did, he strikes me as a very familiar person, as though I have known him for ages, as though we have been dear to each other before. Yet, we did not speak very much to each other. We were not even considered close as friends. However the strange aura about him being somebody very familiar always haunts me. I find every part of his physical body so ‘nostalgic’; the way his skull is shaped, the way he wore his shoulders, the way his hair bounced. Unintentionally, I would study him for hours in school. Just in case you think that I have fallen for him, I have to clarify that I was madly infatuated with someone else then.

Well, I couldn’t explain why I have this strong sense of nearness toward him. At that tender age, those surges of intensity started to translate in the form of a crush for him. I would call him up on the phone after school and talked to him for hours. He was always kind and amicable. I did not phone him very often, only about three or four times if I am correct.

About a couple of years later, after we left school, I was still calling him up once in a while. Somehow, he is etched in my memory. There’s no way to erase him. I have outgrown my so-called-crush on him and concluded that he will forever hold a special place in my heart. He is still a mystery but in my understanding, he is not boyfriend or husband material.

Now twenty years later, he still finds his ways back in my dreams. It’s very strange because in the dreams, all that matters to me is to find him. Yet once I am awake, the intensity fades quickly. Afterall, I have my own family now and from my understanding, he should be having his soon. We ran into each other once.

At one point, the frequency of such dreams was so high that I had no chance but to dial his home number (didn’t know if he will still be staying at the same place, but I still tried). He answered the phone! Went through a very brief chitchat, asked him how he was, etc. In the end, he left me his mobile number.

With his mobile number, I passed it to a buddy for safekeeping. I conclude that if he appears in my dreams so often, one day, if I ever were to fall into a coma, most likely I will have images of him all over my mind. My buddy probably has to enlist his help in waking me up! Ha ha.

Me & Cat

Exciting!

Suddenly this episode has an abrupt U-turn on my side. I am really surprised myself. To begin, I want to answer JL’s question on what do I mean when I say E can’t communicate well with me on certain topics, intellectually, to be specified. I was really vague myself and could not pinpoint it. All I know is that, somehow, on the intellectual part, we didn’t quite hit the high key note as much as I would have like to. I am always hanging in the sky, all by myself. I look all around, and there’s not a single bird flying near. It’s just the air and the clouds. So much for such a big space in the sky. Nobody here wants to take up any space or take in some of the air. Ha!

Then last night, I went for a talk. The level of discussion was fantastic. Ultra stimulating! It’s been a long while since I get myself immersed in one of these things. Though I did not participate verbally, (well, all the big shots are already fighting to talk) just listening to them is enough to get me …high…Errhemp! You get the picture?

Well, for some people, you can have an enjoyable conversation with them, a serious conversation, or a normal conversation. My conversations with E remain at this level. It will never be one of those highly engaging, passionate and greatly stimulating ones that get the mind going and going. I miss having someone like this to talk to, at least once in a while.

He gave you a solution. Or is that a solution?

Now it appears that all men in our context are similar. I thought I found one who is different because he has been displaced from his own culture for half a decade but now is planted back in his homeland. I thought he could surpass all that. And being immersed in another culture myself, I have learned that you shouldn’t compromise yourself. Never give up your dreams. Dreams are possible! They can be achieved! They are real. They exist….. God has put me there to speak aloud to me. Yes, I have thrown away all my compromises that I kept long in my closet, and I promise myself, never one day will I say I will compromise for lesser. Never one day will I lose my direction. Most importantly, never one day will I ever lose my SELF again!

Well, now back in our homeland, back in our own context. He has succumbed, while I am still fighting. Yet the truth is, our partnership is waiting for an answer. We are back in the old world…

He has to be the one to have the first say and the last say. He must be pampered, praised and put before your own self. You, being the inferior sex, being the supporting role, will have no say in his presence. He prefers a silent, obedient wife who agrees with everything he proclaims, glorifies him and makes him the tallest man on earth and a very happy man of course. Well, no challenges, no opinion, no preference. Most of all, no questions and to be sorry all the time, “Oh I am so sorry, you are so right. Forgive me, I shouldn’t think otherwise.” He does not want to hear the truth spouting out from your mouth. He does not need you to voice out any thoughts that cross your mind. “Keep your thoughts to yourself,” that’s what he says. “Learn to constrain yourself, you should learn what to say and when to say it.” Small man needs to feel tall. And to do that, he must make another man shed his height. Excuse me, it’s “another woman to shed her height”.

Why does a man love a person with no soul? He loves a soulless person because he has a bad day at work. He loves a soulless person because he is tired and no longer wants to be challenged in the slightest sense. He loves a soulless person because he doesn’t want to hear anything different. He loves a soulless person because he has been saying yes to everyone the whole day. He loves a soulless person because he has had enough of taking orders from everyone in his office. Or so it seems. Could it be that he is too meek and too agreeable at work, and that he no longer has an opinion, that he has been pushed around? Oh no no no, I am so sorry, how could I have thought of it this way. No no no, he must have been the best man for the job, which is why everyone needs him, and every task is given to him. Oh he is so important.

“Accept!” that’s what he says. “Learn to accept the way I am. Learn to appreciate me for the way I am,” he says.

One can form an opinion and keep an opinion alive, without having to shut the whole world up. You can shut your wife up but is that the solution to your problem?

Context: His Office

A 1.7m or 1.8m high partition, a mini sofa, an unfamiliar bath towel on a hanger, a polo shirt on a hanger, a coat-cover on a hanger, an orange umbrella, two used wine glasses on the table accompanied by an unfinished red wine bottle, one unfamiliar music CD (two disc), one box containing the remaining unused wine glasses in a plastic bag, photos of friends on the shelf, photos of wife’s cat on the partition.

Conclusion

When the horse refuses to talk, and when there is no denial or clarification, only a sad conclusion can be derived; the answer is a yes.

(The shocking news is that LC is also married! Wonder if the husband is aware of his wife’s infidelity.)

???

The handphone is on silent mode and is vibrating in the background while Imposter W is vacuuming the floor. W is asleep on the sofa.

Imposter W: “Hey your handphone is buzzing.”
W: [….zzz….]

Imposter W picks it up. There are two incoming messages on the handphone. She retrieves the messages. One of them is from LC. She has not seen the name ‘LC’ before. All the names listed on W’s handphone comes in full; completed with first names and family names. None of them is abbreviated. Nevertheless,

LC: [sms] I m cooking tomo b’fast.

Imposter W wonders what has another person’s breakfast tomorrow gotten to do with her husband. She asks W who LC is. W mumbles something and seems to fall asleep again.

Imposter W: [sms] Why?
LC: [sms] ?

Well, it’s a neutral reply. Imposter W takes a bath.
W comes to the bathroom and says that LC is just a colleague and she always prepares breakfast.
Imposter W finishes her bath while W begins his.
Imposter W picks up the handphone to see if LC has messaged anything else. She stumbles upon the message that W has just sent out a while ago to LC.

W: [sms] She’s monitoring. Talk to u tomorrow.

Imposter W checks the ‘outbox’ for other messages. W has deleted all other messages except for 5 remaining ones which dated today. This is really unusual for W, since he has never bothered to housekeep his ‘inbox’. It is usually flooded with hundred over messages. He has erased all his sent messages too except the last unfortunate one.

Hmmm, ‘monitoring’ is a strong word to use in this context if LC is a so-called neutral colleague who always prepares breakfast. On the other hand, W has been faithfully getting out of the house every morning at 5.30am to go to work. Very early working hours, in fact, for an office worker. Thinking back, W has been receiving a lot of messages at night, and they are way past dinner hours, in fact, close to bedtime before midnight.