Floored
It's going to be one heavy dose today... (Am ill, having a bit of fever plus sore throat. Not intending to go home because I have a night's out with my ex-roommate later. Don't want to miss catching up with her!)
I have been tackling with the issue of hatred lately (for months to be exact). Most of the time, I will throw it out of my thoughts and try my best not to think about it. Somehow, it always creeps up to me and floors me at my wit's end.
I have no idea how to get myself out from this negative whirlpool.
A little background: this negative emotion is targetted at two persons. One of whom I am still in contact with. We won't be talking about this person on this post. The other one, though ironically not within my line of sight nor hearing, is the one that bothers me the most. In other words, I am getting myself all frustrated due to no fault of this person (at least not at this moment since this person has been physically omitted from my life) ... She is alive, by the way. She is physically out, but not emotionally out, since I am still hurt by what she has done.
Maybe one of the reasons why I am still traumatised by this person, is I did not do anything to her at all (I didn't even know she exists), to justify all the bad things she has done to me.
I am generally a forgetful person. Usually my feelings will be high during the incident, but once it's over, I will soon forget it. Nothing much to deal with, strictly speaking. I have never hated anybody in my life. I can dislike someone, but never hate before.
Yet, anything remotely connected to this person is enough to get me all worked up, upset, hurt all over once more. Mentally I have a picture of this person all sliced up and shredded into pieces, before crumbling to the ground and disappearing from the entire earth. Currently whenever I overhear any news on suicide, murder cases, I wish from the bottom of my heart, this person is that very person.
This is horrible. I don't want to turn into a monster. It seems that I have no choice but to confront this problem. Else it's destroying my life.
posted by Queen Bee at 4:15 PM
15 Comments:
oh-ho, u have fever??been there just few weeks back...so take care of urself:)
and yes, even i wouldnt want to miss that 'catching up with ur rommie':)...my roomie would force me to stay awake even if i was going to die d very next moment:)...hehee...i love those times:)!!!
oh this post is the echo of my own emotions!!!trust me i have been in that position myself, infact, as i write this i am too struggling to forget/stop hating this person....offcourse again it is 'she'!!!
but unlike you, which is lucky if you ask me, this female was my 'very' good friend!!...she was one with whom i would share every small detail of my life...and wat she did to me has marred my life like nothing!!...i hate her, and she knows it too...she is sorry for wat she did, or so she says...
but that doesnt make it easier to forgive or forget it...
it's ok if u get these negative feelings, for some time, they will help u to heal, and wen u feel that d intensity of ur hatred has lessend, maybe u can think of forgivin, forgettin is far difficult i think...but atleast i am makin efforts to forgive her, but again tht incident creeps in my mind and all i can think of is killing her, incidently she would be sitting opp me while we are having lunch with girlfriends!!!trust me seeing her is takes so much of me and then smiling and laffing with her all the while pretending that nuthin happened is very tough!!!
it takes a lot of courage to let go of it....i knw how tough it is, so i won't be sayin tht it is bad to keep so much hatred inside u...best of luck...wat i learnt is tht after a while they will forget about the pain inflicted upon us, it's only we who keep brooding...let go of it eventually:)u will feel good:)
whoa!! it was nice to write all tht...made me feel better:)
thanks for posting that:)...hope wat i wrote helped u:)
I dunno who this person is to u, but it seems to me that she is someone close to u...hence the strong feelings abt her from ur side, be it positive or not.
I can understand that u may feel anger towards someone who had hurt u, but I have never felt that such ppl should die etc...I dunno why but the ppl I dislike the most, I want them to live more...only cos they ought to learn from their mistakes and change for the better...repent what they have committed and feel the pain that they inflicted upon me..
Keshi.
i think when all those emotions consume your thoughts and engery-that's why you get sick.
it's best to confront this person or learn to forgive-that way the air is cleared and you can begin to move forward.
i strongly believe people who suck the goodness out of you leave you vulnerable to many things.
Hi Yashita,
Roommies are so dear to us. They are the ones who lived together with us for a long period, the ones whom we disagree and argue with. Yet at the end of the day, they are the ones we miss. I dream about my roommate sometimes. Dream about staying together with her again. Miss her sometimes :)
Forgetting is hard. You hit the bull's eye on that one. I believe true forgiveness comes without forgetting. Forgiveness comes with knowledge. But I have not reached that stage yet...
Sometimes I think it's real stupid of me to succumb myself to all the hurt while the inflictor may be laughing miles away. That's one of the reason why I need to pull myself together. Yet it's hard.
hope you are feeling better soon.
and it is normal to imagine dire incidents towards someone we hate.
Hi Keshi,
To make it worse, I don't know this person until I could sense that she is trying to do something drastic to me. I initiated a meet-up with her hoping to resolve any hostility from her.
At the end of the meeting, she told me she enjoyed talking to me and we could possibly be such good friends if not for someone (this someone is the first person I didn't want to mention in the post).
For all her craftiness, she still move on to collaborate with that someone to do something more hurting towards me. I was so disappointed, hurt and felt taken for a ride.
In a way, yes, I agree they should be given a chance to learn from their mistake and most importantly to repent and seek forgiveness. This will be in God's timing. Yet humanly speaking, I hope some natural forces or circumstances will take over and give them their due punishment, hopefully eliminating her existence in the process. That's how badly I hated her.
So far, nothing has shown that she realised the pain and gravity of her actions toward me. Maybe it will be many more years before she felt sorry. Unfortunately, there's no way I could stop her from turning back in future and deciding to repeat her evil act.
The person who does evil gets away. As a victim, I still have to worry about my future (since she may not repent).
I don't want to go after her on her deeds. And I hope I will have nothing to do with her anymore. All I want is justice to be done at its own prompting. And I am so impatient on that. Irony...
Well the best thingie to do is to finish doing what ye are thinking of...Dont go and literally murder him but paste his mugshot(if ye have one) over a dummy or punching bag etc and rip it to pieces, kick it in all the sore places, use yer choiciest cuss words wotever u wanna do to it...Unless ye get it out of yer system, ye are gonna be plagued by it. Memories linger because we havent completed that experience whichever it is good or bad..Be finished with that experience and it wont haunt ye again..
end of sermon..
Hug :)
Dear QB,
About your fever - hope you get well soon.
About the problem you mention:
It would be a capital mistake to offer any guidance or support in this matter, since your post gives no factual data about the issue under consideration.
And yet, I would like to offer one tiny bit of "If-I-were-you" opinion.
First of all, I think there is nothing wrong in how you are feeling. It would be but natural, even if I were in your position.
But then, I do believe that it is always better to face a problem head-on and try to clarify or solve it, rather than punishing yourself with hurt and confusion for the rest of your life.
So, if I were you, I would have confrointed it man-to-man.
But even so, you are the best person to judge for yourself.
Best wishes and warm regards,
PRADEEP K.
since u have already met her and tried to resolve things, well all u got to do now is just nothing. Silence speaks volumes...and Im sure that one of these days she'll realise her evil nature and be ashamed of her own existence.
Keshi.
@Zazu:
Hi :)
@Kimmy:
I felt so unworthy to have my lungs so foul by this kind of evil-doer. Sometimes there's a saying, bad people run an easy race, good ones run a tougher race but all in good honour.
@White Mugpie:
Oh Mugpie, you are so adorable. :) Hugs.
"...because we havent completed that experience whichever it is good or bad.. " --Yup, that is so true. Guess I am still stucked at the beginning of this experience. At the end of it, I will be wiser, I hope. But it sure is taking loooooooonnnnng now...
@Pradeep:
Thanks, Pradeep :)
That person is still hostile towards me. I will reserve the talk with her when both parties are at a calmer and more receptive phase... In fact come to think of it, it will be more meaningful if she is the one to initiate it. At least that will show that she has become awared of her deeds.
@Keshi:
Yes, Keshi. Can only leave it to God's timing and will. Maybe I will go for some counselling if it gets worse for me...
@SFO:
Thanks, dearie :)
Ouch!! That smothered me ;)
Remember: Laugh and the world laughs with ye, Cry and the world laughs even louder hehe...
Cheerio
sounds like she's a dangerous person..I hope she doesnt harm u in any sense...
Keshi.
@White Mugpie:
Haha, thanks for the reminder :) And hugs :)
@Keshi:
Thanks, dear! Will stay vigilant :)
@Keshi:
I must add that staying vigilant can be quite exhausting. Makes me tense whenever I am reminded of her.
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