A spread on the wall

THIN BREATHING AIR

2007-03-08T09:02:00.000+08:00

Currently feel that everything is about relativity, it's like life balancing on a rope; suspended half-way in the air. Some people dance even on a tight rope while they are in a void. I am trying to feel as free as that, but it's seems like a tough trick to pick up... Ha ha any short-cuts to that?

(HI HI Pradeep!!!!! Good to hear from you! Currently I have difficulty posting my comments 'cause I forgot my password.... ho ho... still figuring that out....)

Friendly Huggies

2007-03-07T09:07:00.000+08:00

Hi Folks, it's been a long long while since I last blog. How is everyone? Will be back to my weekly/fortnightly blogging :)

Right Footing

2006-10-15T13:33:00.000+08:00

*~*~* *~*~*
*~*~*
*~*~* *~*~*

Think for this current 'relationship' with my guy friend, I want to go slow... and steady... firm on the right footing.

He's pretty decent too; his friend wanted to introduce some girls at random to him, and my friend's reply was "Do you know them well?". Wow, he does preach what he says because so far, we have been going out, talking, getting to know each other's character better. Nothing on whether we are on a 'relationship', even though honestly speaking, we have been messaging each other everyday and meeting once a week on the weekends. No holding hands, nothing of that sort.

I think that's pretty good. Only when we are very sure about each other, then we will see how we progress.

Another thing is religion. I would like to share my religion with him. It's not obligatory for him to convert but he has to know something that's a part of me and that's my religion. I will be happy if he shares his with me (don't think he has any religion in the meantime). Nevertheless, it will be good to know what are his principles for life, at least if we intend to share a life together.

Rein in...!!!!

2006-10-09T19:50:00.000+08:00

I was told to hold my horses!!!
(my lawyer advises,"don't rush.")
Think I am having a crush on a friend whom I have been going out with exclusively for 2 saturdays. Last night he mentioned about going on a one-to-one trip with me in December. Was really thrilled about it in fact. Well, just two saturdays and I think he has already sounded out his retirement plans on me, which is still decades away.
Then this morning, all the no-nos from friends and lawyer. Okay noted.
Well, will wait a couple of months more. No harm anyway. It's just that I felt a bit let down, given the status I was in. Hope he will persist till February, which is the date my lawyer says it's permissible for me to go on a one-to-one relationship. :)

More beauty

2006-09-23T23:41:00.000+08:00

Guess I have been staying in the cold for a long while. It's so lonely when there is none who shares the same feelings and the same thoughts, especially on something supposedly so trivial as the daily space that we stare at, breathe in, walk around, work in, eat at.

It's marvelous when there's someone who plays the cord in your heart without you announcing your's heart's wishes. Lately I experience the heart-warming feeling of sharing the same space with someone who appreciates beauty just like I do.

I wish I can have someone like that as a life partner. I feel that I am someone greatly affected by the things that my eyes lay on. If nature's beauty is around me, I feel so much more joyful, so much warmer as a living human being...

W-H-I-T-E

2006-09-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

hAvE bEeN iN A bIt oF A sUrReNdEr mOoD lAtElY...
aLmOsT tHrOwInG iN tHe tOwEl...

One Month

2006-07-28T10:38:00.000+08:00

So far it's nearing the end of the month. For my new job, it's so far so good. Very busy but I learn a lot of new things while on it. I suppose when the office is small, one has to get things to work, else there will be a lot of backlog. It's a bit like a jack of all trades.

Haven't been able to work on my painting. This weekend should be good to resume on it. I have transported my easel from my ex-office to my current home.

Haven't been able to drop by my fellow blogger's post too... Need to catch up on so much...

Power of the Mind

2006-07-08T11:09:00.000+08:00

I started on my new job this week. It has been a change from my relaxed days (own time and target) to regular hours each day. Currently I watch my new boss and admire his time management and focused mind. He has so much to do, and yet he can complete what he has set out despite the numerous projects at hand.

I have been setting him as an exemplary figure to follow and look up to. Hence the big task ahead for me now is A FOCUSED MIND! Haha!

It's a big challenge since the switch is great; from lifestyle, to nature of work. Plus I need to watch my health. It will be nought if I fall sick. :)

...gasp...

2006-06-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I suffered a bout of hyperventilation. I think it is hyperventilation. I experienced it once while I was about 9 years old; there was a tightening of chest accompanied by numbness, a sudden big gasping for breaths, but it went away after about 5 minutes.

Yesterday night, it was different. Maybe I am an adult so it's different? Yesterday it was more serious. I was talking halfway and suddenly I went "heeeerrrrrrrrrrrr"......followed by "heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr"....again. BOy, my mind was wondering....what's this?... but I had no time. The next thing I knew, I was bending over my sink trying to breathe or catch any air I could get. I can't control my breathing and the numbness over my entire chest was severe. My face was getting the needles. Don't know about the rest of my head. Couldn't think so much then. My hands were numbed and so were my knees... I could still stand but bending, and I can't feel anything from my hands... I don't even dare to move.

Boy, I think it went on for 20 minutes or so, the numbness, the tightness. My tears kept falling uncontrollably. Finally the breathing was more bearable but the numbness in the stomach continues.

I don't know why it started and why I was having this. I don't think it's asthma. Any ideas what it was? Was I too agitated or stressed?

Petal Updates ~.~~.~*

2006-06-24T13:33:00.000+08:00

HiHi! Have been in a slight “withdrawal” syndrome for the past few weeks. Sorry to worry some of my friends here… hugs*

I haven’t been idling during this period. Some good news to share :) too! I found a new job so I will be starting at a new place next month which is a week away only. Really fast, yeah? :) I am really happy to have found a new job.

Now, a sneak preview on the painting I have been working on since I found my subject, dearie green chrysanthemums (thanks to Pradeep who sent me a link on this picture; see little picture on top left hand side of photograph). The painting is not completed yet. Should take another month or two to finish since I only work on it about one-and-a-half hours per week which is not very long…

Meanwhile, a hug for everyone! And hope everyone has been well too! :))))

Love,
*~.~*~.~*QB*~.~*~.~*

Get your kid to say Goodbye to their Materialistic Streak

2006-05-26T16:33:00.000+08:00

Today I watched an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" which had Maria Shriver and her mom, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, as guests.

At one point, Maria mention how her parents never get excited about materials/objects, but they were able to get their children to be excited about ideas. I thought that was a really great pointer, particularly in this materialistic world. How do parents veer their children away from a materialistic mindset onto something far more meaningful in life.

The Folly of Short-Cuts

2006-05-23T16:44:00.000+08:00

Now that I am into my thirties, there comes a time when I start to realise short-circuiting may not necessarily be good. Especially in this world of speed and efficiency, that truly defies the norm. Well, it begs to have a different stand in this case.

Nowadays, we have pre-marital sex, surrogate mothers, etc...

If we look beyond the usual coaxing on what-to-dos, what-not-to-dos, there is usually something major that we missed out on. Search again, and you will know what I mean. And of course, go to the right people for advice and you will truly see the wisdom beyond :) It's just like helping the butterfly to get out of its cocoon quicker or pulling a seedling from the soil so that it seems to grow taller. We are actually not helping at all. The consequence that comes can be more costly than you imagine...

A Good Ear and A Good Mouth

2006-05-09T17:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I felt that I am a horrible listener and a not very good advisor to others. I did earnestly try but somehow I just didn't seem to make it...

Today I was reading a book and there's one portion of it which is really helpful and meaningful to me :) It recommended 3 points on how to choose good advisors. To me, the points not only highlighted the pointers to be good advisors, they also reflected what good listeners do. I suppose good advisors have to be good listeners to begin with. Okay here goes:-

1) A good listener-cum-advisor asks you questions and will be happy to ask many many questions, if need be, just to draw out the real you or the issues you are concerned with.

My tendency is that I assume the issues to be the ones my friends tell me in the first few minutes. In the end, I could wind up as lost as they are (esp if they are confused in the first place), and not offering much help. Oh boy...

2) A good listener-cum-advisor shouldn't always draw things back to themselves and their own experience.

Hahaha, I am guilty of this too... okay, I should try to put their issues in context. Every context is different; what works for me might not work for my friends. I should focus on the influencing factors.

3) A good listener-cum-advisor gives their opinion only after careful consideration.

Very true... I shouldn't fall into the trap of offering some advice too hurriedly just because the situation is pressing to my friends. It might be better to spend some time digesting them fully. Good advice can come after pausing too. :)

2006-05-04T17:27:00.000+08:00

Something is wrong with my blog lately. Either I can't publish my post or the comments cannot be updated.

Kiddy Problem

2006-05-02T16:15:00.000+08:00

A question-mark is growing bigger and bigger in my mind lately on whether I should discuss a touchy issue with a friend. Situation is a bit precarious because it can make or break our friendship if I am not tactful enough. I was getting pretty chummy with her lately till this problem pops up -- I have a tolerance issue with her 3 year old kid...

She used to be a firm mother on discipline whenever her kid is misbehaving. But that tends to 'push' her kid to be closer to his father who is an absolutely doting father. Nothing wrong with a loving father but mother is playing the disciplinarian most of the time. Now she decided to drop her role. She would chide her kid lightly and if he continues to misbehave, she will just give in and be an all forgiving and loving mother.

Result: her kid is becoming a little terror. If he continues, I am quite sure, it will be harder and harder for the kid to comprehend and for him to get worse. By the time, she delivers her second kid, she may have problems managing a wailing baby and a kid who's perpetually trying her patience. Most friends just roll their eyes or look away whenever they can't stand her kid. A few tried to give some advice to her or take discipline into their own hands, but it's a thin line to tread on. For me, I am wondering if I should look away (like the rest of our friends do) whenever my tolerance level is bursting, or I should talk to her but risk hurting her, or I should just avoid her kid altogether.

SWELL!

2006-04-24T14:05:00.000+08:00

I have been going like a choo-choo train for the past many weeks. First, I decided to change my job, second, get a life, third, be smarter and more decisive.

Well, now at the end of all the major huffs and puffs, I am starting to reconsider my first goal, modify my second goal, still sticking to my third goal!

I don't know if I am in a major swell or my head just swelled...

For Goal Number 1:
To answer to myself and all my efforts, I did manage to get my portfolio done, considered seriously about which firm I would like to work for, mailed out 2 job application letters, went for one job interview yet turned down the job offer because the expectations on both sides doesn't work out quite well. Currently I am attracted to another firm but decided to think about it again. Major reason is because it's hard to want to work for a reputable firm and still expect to be able to knock off at half-past six every weekday plus no work on weekends to enjoy a life. I don't want to sell my life for a job...

For Goal Number 2:
I did change to a bold hairstyle which I quite like. I hope everyday when I stare into the mirror, my spirits will be lifted and I can carry on my spur with new energy. I put time aside for friends and myself. As you know, I reconnect with my old hobby of oil-painting. I want to bring back my passions for life and myself. In the effort towards the status of singlehood, I am still trying very hard. Mentally and emotionally, I have moved on. So that's good news. Bad news is, my previous (considered 'previous' or 'ex', but obviously not so to 'that' person) partner is still in a state of heavy denial and he is definitely not letting me GO...... even after all these months......arrrrrgghhhh....... I pray for divine intervention...

For Goal Number 3:
Currently I am more ready to voice myself without feeling shy. I am also more realistic about the way things go in this mortal world. Not cynical but definitely realistic. I feel this has been a good change.

2 weeks later...

2006-04-17T17:38:00.000+08:00

Here's a peek at the remainders of the green chrysanthemums I bought 2 weeks ago :) I had transferred them from the kitchen sink (in the pic) to one of my elliptical plates. Currently the flowers are still happily floating on the water.

They are really hardy and strong. So far, they are the longest lasting flowers I had.

A Patch, A Mark, A Stain

2006-04-06T16:44:00.000+08:00

I will be a student tomorrow ;)

...In an oil painting class, to be exact. Just went shopping for some basic materials today. I am a bit ambitious; I bought a medium-size canvas to start on. That will force myself to fill up the entire canvas and not give up halfway.

It's like going back to school again. Time is back on your side and painting is like something you can doodle on and on for hours, for days, for months. There is no finishing date. It all depends on you :)

I took art while I was in school. It has been 15 solid years since I touched my brushes. My dad is the one who started me on art classes. He says it will build up my patience, and art is a form of expression. I am glad he started me on it. Very glad :)))

~...Green Breeze...~...~...~

2006-04-04T16:22:00.000+08:00

I was at the supermarket couple of days ago when I chanced upon my favourite flower :) Not the most common colour for a flower but it's my favourite favourite favourite, alright!!! I am not sure what kind of flower it is, but it sure resembles the chrysanthemum!

They are really uplifting for my spirits, especially when they manage to survive till now and still looks good. The pics were taken this morning. Aren't they Superb!

They are so cute, and so small. The diameter is the size of my little finger only. Their happy blooms are like little green pong-pongs, cheering me on. Cha-cha-cha, they seem to go. Cha-cha-cha... sprinkling the bright yellow-green dashes... in the air!

They are really sweet! I want them to be my wedding flowers (if I do get to meet my Mr Right in future). To be as cheery as I am on that day! :) Smiles

ARCH-ING your body beautiful!

2006-04-01T16:04:00.000+08:00

Wow! Talk about BODY ART! You might want to check out this website :)

My Cup of Hot Choc

2006-03-30T16:27:00.000+08:00

These few couple of weeks have been liken

to myself preparing a feast

of hot chocolate,

except

that I have been busy getting ready the

melted chocolate, the milk, the cups, the jugs, the teaspoon...

all except

putting them together for my feast.

Nope,

my lips have not even gotten

anywhere near my cup...

I think either I am the super-organised type

who has to get ready every single

ingredient

in its most perfect condition,

... or,

I am what my friend says of me...

"No wonder... 'cause you are a Libra!" In other words,

I can't decide;

since I have to weigh every single entity

on both ends of the scales and try to be fair to all...

I seem to take longer than

everybody

whenever I am the one in charge.

Is that so?

...

2006-03-18T13:39:00.000+08:00

...

Hi folks, I will be MIA-ing (Missing In Action) for a couple of weeks. Will come back after I harvest my oyster. Ha ha...

...

M O T T O

2006-03-14T17:52:00.000+08:00

"The world is your oyster"

- and don't you ever forget that, my dear girl ;D

(You are your own director, editor, and producer. Good luck!)

L O S T B U B B L E S

2006-03-10T14:12:00.000+08:00

This week is actually a quiet retreat for myself. But I feel a bit downcast.

I have been pricking the bubbles in my life; sorting out all the various bubbles of hope, of deceit, of substance, of feasibility.

I feel as though I have been really harsh and cruel to myself. I burst all the bubbles of deceit and make myself stare hard at their carcass to remind myself of their presence.

To the Far and Beyond

2006-03-08T19:06:00.000+08:00

Pant(!) Pant(!)... My dear Captain Jack, you are like a strong wind... When will I ever catch up with you, my hero?

...

FREE LINES of Free Will, Anyone?

2006-03-06T15:18:00.000+08:00

It isn't easy to bare these big strokes of "wrinkles" so happily on our faces.

Let's have a vote.

How many of you will love to have them on your own faces?

How many are attracted to guys or gals with these lines?

To me, these are laughing lines... these are relaxed lines...

How many of you think it is a... defect?

Free-Will Art Works and Appreciations

2006-03-03T13:21:00.000+08:00

I enjoy items of creation. I don't mind going to galleries or exhibitions. However, I prefer to shrug off the idea of physically containing the artefacts in an enclosed space. It's not that the decision is of any fault. Perhaps it is for security reasons, perhaps the items are fragile and need to be stored under a certain temperature, humidity, etc in order for viewing to be possible. They have tried their best.

I like art installations, or any form of interactive art. I like the idea of just chancing into them, walking past them in daily living, touching them, and feeling that they are something tangible, approachable, changable. I just think that since the artefacts are items of creations; made when the mind is in it's most liberating moments, why not share? And share them in the most informal manner? No physical boundaries, no surveillance, let them be contagious... Sounds very idealistic and probably naive, perhaps.

I hold the artists who dare to let their darlings be at the mercy of their audience and admirers, in great awe. My heart also goes out in pain when I witness artefacts being destroyed by insensitive audience. Yet I think it is very bold and avant garde of these artists to share so generously with people of all ages, of all nationalities, be they rich or poor.

So far, I have the privilege of chancing two of such "exhibitions". One of them is held on a bridge, displaying sculptures made from dung. I forgot the name of the artist, but his works are very impressive. I still feel very honoured to have seen his works. Another is perhaps a more familiar figure since his works have been on display for years and at quite a number of countries already. He is Yann Arthus-Bertrand, a french photographer. "Earth from the Air", I presume will ring some bells in some of us.

Their works come to us... we don't go to them. They are active; they are open to everybody out in the streets. They are not passive and limited to a few people. They are courageous art, subject to weather, abusive hands, comments from whoever. Yet I am happy they had achieve so much more in their audience's hearts. I salute them; the works, their creators and all who have helped facilitate them in one way or another. Thanks ...

Happy Nuts at Free Will

2006-02-27T19:03:00.000+08:00

One of the craziest things I did was to go on a first date with somebody I was deeply attracted to, (Yes!) and then behave like a nut!

Ha Ha! Want to know how the date went?

Two nuts cracked, in fact! For me, it was just high...HIGH... He went crazy too! :) The surprise is, he still remembers, even till this day!

This was one of the most relaxed (or too relaxed indeed) and memorable dates I had. Correction, I should say it's the only one. I was fairly composed I would say for my other first dates; a bit of anxiety here and there, some long conversations... all under control. This one is different. I have no chance to think at all(!). Imagine the first time out together, no food, no talk, no pausing. We just laughed a lot, maybe the only night which I bent my back so many times due to extreme laughter. Two jokers we were, we carried our SLR cameras, and practically combed an entire district during the night. We took a lot of photographs, experimented with the SLRs (different lightings, different speed). The subjects were mainly buildings, or articles of everyday-living. We sneaked through dark lanes and even stole a broken ratten/wooden chair! Precious chair... It's like a treasure to both of us.

We dragged the chair to all the places with us, laid it at all sorts of funny angles on the streets, at carpark basement, in front of people's doors, brought it up onto the train with us. He brought it to his home and I just couldn't believe it. I didn't even remember if anyone was laughing at us. I only noticed curious stares. :)

Funny that we enjoyed our fun so much that most of our photos didn't turn out! None of mine did... I have never seen his. He admitted few of his turned out, and he's such a pro compared to the lazy me.

Want to share how your first date went?

Free Will

2006-02-24T17:12:00.000+08:00

Feels so good to be free to be yucky. Yup! Free to be dirty, chaotic, unrestricted. It's equivalent to being given another life that has no consequences, no reason.

I ever thought of running away from home when I was a kid. I packed all my essentials in a little bag. Crossed my heart and prepared to just walk and walk without any clear direction, absolutely no worries about where I will end up to be. All that I was concerned about was having some big fool who will kidnap me and take away all my freedom. That, will corner me.

Now that I am older, I desire for a job that does not bound me. I work half a year and be on the loose for another half a year. The other option would be not to work. Spend all my money travelling on foot. Be a poor but rich person. Rich in my heart, rich in my experience, rich in my contact with the whole world.

...

Light

2006-02-22T12:00:00.000+08:00

Today, I received an email from a friend whom I thought wouldn’t be writing till God knows when. It’s a good start to my day. I am really touched by the gesture. After replying to the email, I was actually crying…

Floored

2006-02-21T16:15:00.000+08:00

It's going to be one heavy dose today... (Am ill, having a bit of fever plus sore throat. Not intending to go home because I have a night's out with my ex-roommate later. Don't want to miss catching up with her!)

I have been tackling with the issue of hatred lately (for months to be exact). Most of the time, I will throw it out of my thoughts and try my best not to think about it. Somehow, it always creeps up to me and floors me at my wit's end.

I have no idea how to get myself out from this negative whirlpool.

A little background: this negative emotion is targetted at two persons. One of whom I am still in contact with. We won't be talking about this person on this post. The other one, though ironically not within my line of sight nor hearing, is the one that bothers me the most. In other words, I am getting myself all frustrated due to no fault of this person (at least not at this moment since this person has been physically omitted from my life) ... She is alive, by the way. She is physically out, but not emotionally out, since I am still hurt by what she has done.

Maybe one of the reasons why I am still traumatised by this person, is I did not do anything to her at all (I didn't even know she exists), to justify all the bad things she has done to me.

I am generally a forgetful person. Usually my feelings will be high during the incident, but once it's over, I will soon forget it. Nothing much to deal with, strictly speaking. I have never hated anybody in my life. I can dislike someone, but never hate before.

Yet, anything remotely connected to this person is enough to get me all worked up, upset, hurt all over once more. Mentally I have a picture of this person all sliced up and shredded into pieces, before crumbling to the ground and disappearing from the entire earth. Currently whenever I overhear any news on suicide, murder cases, I wish from the bottom of my heart, this person is that very person.

This is horrible. I don't want to turn into a monster. It seems that I have no choice but to confront this problem. Else it's destroying my life.

Minimum Standard

2006-02-17T17:11:00.000+08:00

It happened to be a festive day when most people are on leave and nobody's working (at least not in that particular section). I was in a shopping mall.

Untimely it was, I needed the loo.

Happy to have found one, but quite upset to discover that the door lock was not working. No toilet paper too. Even more upset when I realise this cubicle is meant for the handicapped... (!!!) No janitor was around for any complaints to be made.

I mean, there should be a minimum standard for this, right? For me, it was easy, I could exit and head straight for the next loo on another storey. Indeed, for anyone's crucial moment, that person would be thankful for a functioning toilet. All the more so when it is a handicapped's toilet, right?

...

What kind of Quota (to last a day)?

2006-02-16T14:53:00.000+08:00

Lately the kind of advice one gets, seem to be along the lines of -

Have a substantial breakfast, an okay lunch and little dinner.

Mine is a complete reversal; no breakfast or just a glass of something coupled with some biscuits or eggs, a full lunch, followed by a heavy heavy dinner. If I feel a bit guilty, I will add one fruit after dinner. I generally enjoy vegetables more than meat, so I consider my intake to be fairly healthy, though I am not sure about the quantity. I like to indulge in a good dinner (mostly with my favourite food) to reward myself after a day's ups and downs. And in case I ran out of food in my fridge, I can depend on my body's reserve to keep me going (burn whatever fats you've there!).

Next week, I am going to give a run on the supposedly heathier option: the former. The hidden agenda is that a substantial breakfast will help kickstart your system (great!), breakdown more of your intake rather than to conserve them in your body (even better!). Next thing is to shave off the extra pounds on my lunch and dinner. And my body will have less to digest while I am sleeping (fantastic!). Then... ho ho ho... I don't even need to enforce routine exercise (heaven!). Idealistic projection: a resultant weight loss or simply maintain my weight (happy me!). :)

Wish me luck!!!

Simplicity in its Brown Suit

2006-02-14T16:11:00.000+08:00

LOVE is ...

... in the

... AIR......

CHOCOLATE is in my MOUTH...slurp!

...

Gender Quotes

2006-02-13T17:27:00.000+08:00

"Wal boonal mayor ni (not speaking in his native language)"

(Female not sure if Male understands the seriousness of what he is saying)

"... Thank you..."

"Hea... Is that all you can say??"

(Disappointment/dismay?)

(Smile. I wish you meant what you have just said. Please tell me more. If only there's just the two of us in the room, even though what you've just said is comprehensible by 2 other more people, non-comprehensible by 4 other more people here with us. Feeling dismay too)

"... ..."

-Language of male and female,

forever the mystery of the other gender...

...

Love from Cat and Yours Truly :)

2006-02-11T16:56:00.000+08:00

In grand or small-scale anticipation of the V Day next week, a h-u-g from me :) , and a cuddly r-o-l-l-o-v-e-r from my Cat :)

Whether you are single, or coupled with your honey... To all fellow Bloggers here, hope everyone will have a lovely and blessed day :)

V Day is a Friendship Day too! Love Ya!!

...

Big Bully vs Little Bully

2006-02-09T14:35:00.000+08:00

There is a bully in everyone of us. Sometimes we flash it, sometimes we don't.

At a gathering, there were about 5 children, from 6months old to 4.5 years old. We watched in horror as three of the older ones were running around, laughing and ramming into the path of a 1.5 years old toddler who was still very unsteady in his walk.

We got him out of the play zone of the older children and put him together with the adults and the 6 months old who was resting on a soft mattress on the floor. He approached the little one and stroked his cheek uncertainly. Then he proceeded to apply more strength and grabbed the cheek.

There's a little smile.

Talk about mild bully instinct and try-outs :P We are still practising it at our ridiculous age.

...

Baby of _My _Very _Own

2006-02-07T16:31:00.000+08:00

Wonder if it's purely a woman's inclination? Or men do think about it at different points of their life too?

We are by birth equipped with almost all the things necessary to produce a child. What we lack of is a sperm. I will probably be hated for saying this, but we can, technically speaking, have our very own child if we want to.

This is probably why thoughts such as this crossed my mind in my early 20s when I was plagued by realities of poor availability of suitable boyfriends. This is also heightened by the great possibility of being left on the shelf, if there is really, eventually, no boys whom I like and who loves me too.

Of course during puberty, I used to argue why am I in the gender group chosen to be the ones to go through pain, and to be the ones screaming in the labour ward. Why am I not a guy? Now I think differently. I have a choice while guys don't. I do not know how guys think of this, or if it ever is one of the more important things on their mind.

In my mid 20s, I stopped searching for boyfriends. Partners are sad to say temporary; any one partner can choose to walk out of a marriage at any time. Instead, I find security in keeping a lookout for suitable donors. I do want a child of my very own.

Currently in my very early 30s, I am in a heavy dilemma of putting the plan into action, or wait another few more years. I am also disturbed that I could be asking for more than I can handle. Afterall, it is a human life we are committing ourselves into. I don't want my kid to be upset with me for not providing a complete family to him/her. I don't want to destroy anybody's life too just because of my own selfishness. Yet, as I approach mid 30s in another few more years, I struggle between my wants and the time that is slipping by. My biological clock can't wait, and that's true.

...

S N A I L C R A W L

2006-02-06T15:14:00.000+08:00

s. t. r. u. g. g. l. i. n. g. c. r. a. w. l. , . , .

It's a drrrraaaaaagggggg across my physical being, across my computer hardware/web traffic, across my spinning head...

Have been having backache for the past week, followed ruthlessly by a headache, and then aggravated coldheartedly by the slowness of web traffic somehow. My back is still groaning while I am sitting down; shifting my posture constantly to find a more restful position for my poor back. It's definitely looking forward to Friday when the new divan bed is to be delivered.

Now whatever position I sleep in seems to be wrong. It's although I have not taught myself how to lay after all these years. It's horrible when I have to turn in bed every few minutes because of my hurting back.

I am going to tuck my beloved moo-moo cow sofa-bed somewhere else and learn the reality that it's a dual-purpose item; never to be indulged too long in any one of it's due purposes.

For Our Children, and Us too

2006-02-03T14:32:00.000+08:00

Ever since Narnia hit the big screens lately, the major book stores have been filling their shelves with all other great books which we had read when we were kids. Big names like Charles Dickens, Victor Hugo, all start to introduce themselves in one big consolidated force to our dear young ones (and old ones like us too).

It's interesting to see how the children pitch these books against the other books of their contemporaries, eg Harry Potter.

Some of my peers (including myself) have been making good use of this time to purchase these books and add them to our collectibles. They will come in handy when we have our own children, and whenever we need a re-look at our perspectives... ... sometimes after having lost our ways and major directions in life.

I'm IT (Part 2)

2006-02-03T12:43:00.000+08:00

5th beanie on the plate:
One has seen mother duck with a trail of little ducklings, mama polar bear tugging along baby cubs. How about an urbanite like me with no children yet? On my table at home and at work, one will see trails of bags (diminishing in size) tied to one another. They are not of the same pattern, neither do they have any relation to each other. What they have in common is that they belong to me and they follow me from home to office and home again.

Well, this phenomenon is only evident when I have more than one bag to carry. Hopeless as I am, I can only handle two bags at most. The big truth is, I lose things that I hold even in my hands. The one way not to lose them (apart from dumping them all in one big hugemongous bag) is to tie them together with each of their own handles. I can’t even let go when I am sitting down on the bus or train. Strange sight of a “tense” woman ;) Oh God, help this tense soul.

6th beanie on the plate:
You will find a laughable side of me that you either love or run... :D

I'm IT... (Part 1)

2006-02-01T13:38:00.000+08:00

I'm tagged by dear ASN :) Ho ho, the condition is to spill the beans about any weirdo existent in me. They need 6 beans, so here's six to share... Do you prefer them cooked, raw, or... roasted? Just joking.

First beanie on the plate:
Do you consider weirdness a strength, or even an attractive quality? I deem weirdness as just a little something different from everyone else. This uniqueness can be a strength. It can be attractive too. There's a saying that it takes a wise person to pick the other wise person out from the crowd. So I suppose the ones who appreciates this uniqueness in me, are the ones who truly see the value of it ;)

And since it is seen as an attractive quality, I am also drawn to things/people that possess a little bit of that. Too much uniqueness can be a bit hard to swallow sometimes, and honestly, I do need some norm myself to balance ;)

2nd & 3rd beanie on the plate:
I am paranoid about knives and fire. I cook well and I like my kitchen. It's just that every cooking session is also a life-threatening one in my opinion, since I am risking my safety to stand next to the fire, plus cut up the food.

There are only 2 knives (the lesser the better) in my kitchen; 1 small blunt one and 1 big sharp one. I use the former for everything; slicing baguette, fruits, vegetable and meat (yes, meat, even though it takes ages to cut through that meat with such a little blunt knife. I won’t exchange it for any other knife). The latter is only for big items like watermelon. But still, I won't be the one using it. I will get whichever friend who happens to be around to cut big items up on my behalf. And I will be standing 2 metres away.

I have no problems with hotplates, but ever since I have a cooker which comes with 4 gas-burners and 1 electric hotplate, I am terrified of turning on the hotplate. (Please don't ask me why I had that cooker; I didn’t choose and purchase it...) My worry is that if there's gonna be any sparks produced from the electric wires below the cooker, it may start a fire that will spread if there's a leak in the adjacent gas pipes... Absolutely dangerous to me and my property! I make efforts to turn on/off the gas mains (which is located outside the apartment) each time before/after cooking. My nose smells hard in the kitchen too for any gas leak, just in case.

4th beanie on the plate:
I will never, never step out of my apartment unless I have bathed. No doubt no one is going to smell me at such close proximity, I am still obsessed about smelling good, and in case someone special do stand near enough.

Beautiful Messy Hair...Ymmm

2006-01-27T15:28:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but guys with very individualistic looking hairstyle make my head turn, my heart melt and my eyes fixated. Flowers start to appear in the air and it's as though my dream guy just walked past me...

I would love to sport one of those individualistic looking hairstyle on myself but I have no guts... That's because it is a fine line between a wow(!) hairstyle and a crazy person with hair tearing apart.

There are mornings when I woke up, looked into the mirror and surprised myself, that my hair looks so much better(!) without doing anything to it; in it's most natural state. Really takes a hard time to wipe that grin off my face after that.

Imagine it beats all the fuss and effort every time to wash, comb and style. Of course hygiene is a most. But s-t-y-l-e . . . . . . that's something quite unattainable for me. No matter how natural you want it to look, it always looked unnatural... Guess I need more flair for it.

I suppose till then, my best-hair-moment will always remain in the morning. My best-hair-day is still yet to come ;)

With this, I wed you...

2006-01-25T16:26:00.000+08:00

I wish I can grow old happy, blessed and fulfilled, and there’s a wonderful supportive partner alongside me, at least for most part of my life (no intermission…eg no husband-snagger along the way).

Last week someone mentioned that human beings are not monogamous by nature. That got me a little fired up ‘cause my life will be compromised if that’s true. After all, I don’t want to live in fear that my partner is going to dump me for someone else just because he is following his animal instinct.

In a way, I agree with concepts such as survival of the fittest, Nature’s theory of natural selection. (All right, I am seriously divided here. On one hand, I believe in God and thus with his omnipotence, can make anything possible. On the other hand, I agree with Darwin's Theory of Evolution - Natural Selection) By nature, if we don’t live in solitude, we would want the best (might mean compatibility in this case) partner for ourselves. Then we can move on to procreation.

We don’t spend our entire life selecting partners, procreate, deselect partners if a better one comes along the way, procreate again, repeat cycle. Perhaps animals do that to ensure survival of their kind. But we are not animals out in the wild, ie someone’s gonna kill us any minute for food.

We think, we plan and most of all we are in control of our actions. Once we give our promise to someone to live together for better or for worse, we have decided what we want for our life, right?

All right, there are temptations out there. But we have to recognize that we need to play our own part and put in our efforts. That made us different, right?

arrrrrrrrphew!

2006-01-24T14:44:00.000+08:00

Introduction to my darling pet. She's the joy, pride of my life. Don't worry, I am not obsessed about her, but I care a lot for her. She has her fair share of hugs and discipline from me ;)

I never thought that I am going to have a pet till 5 years ago when I sneaked her home...She's from a friend who had many cats to take care of. She was 6 months old when I had her. Since then, she's part of the family.

My folks adore her and it is really sweet of her to be a friendly cat. She loves to put her nose and paw in everything my folks do. She relieves them of lonesomeness whenever my bro and I are not home. She's Miss Encourager too whenever any of us are down. She will come to us quietly, giving us a friendly brush and then just settle herself next to us.

Coming home to her and family adds a different dimension. She runs to the door, she waits for you to wash your hands before you give her your first pat/hug/stroke.

I don't have many photos of her & me together. Most of them are just her. I suppose not everyone is as interested in snapping her photos as me. I just want to have as many documentation of her as possible. I don't know how long God will allow her to be a part of our lives. I am just grateful that she's still with us. Thank You!

I guess my love for her is bountiful. Wish my love for others can be as generous and great ;)

Double-Edge sword

2006-01-23T18:14:00.000+08:00

I have learnt not to react too fast to things, mainly events of the day; be it work related or personal mishaps.

Always believed that there are two ends of a scale, and that God will compensate no matter what. For seemingly good things, there's a negative part of it. For seemingly bad things, they could be blessings-in-disguise. In the end, you could be begging on your knees to have that bad thing if you have the ability to forsee the blessing that it brings.

It's still a question-mark to me (it is because I have not lived my life to it's end yet. When I do, maybe I will have an answer) that the apparently-blessed people may not be as highly deemed as the apparently-deprived people in God's eyes. So I don't know if it's better that I have a very tested (full of trials) life, or a life where everything is a bliss? I could be a person who is very grateful and appreciative of a blissful life, so does that weigh as good as a person with lots of trials and the person still sees good at the end of all these?

5 SENSES

2006-01-20T16:24:00.000+08:00

Robot : Give me my five senses back...boo hoo...
Human Being : I have my five senses, but I don't use them now.

We lived like zombies (robot's pal) without sight (looking but not seeing), without smell (breathing but not smelling), without taste (eating but not enjoying), without hearing (tapping but not listening), & without touch (holding but not feeling).

What on earth are we doing here?

...

Tagged!

2006-01-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

Just discovered that I have been tagged by Pradeep the first thing I logged on ;)

Some introduction on rules of the game (copied them from Pradeep) :
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged. (Wow! That's a lot on the number.)
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Well, here goes... :)

Gender: I obviously like men. That's for sure.

All right, for the 8 good-to-have points:
1) Must love me (no sharing with other females, please)
2) Talented; Inspiring
3) Able to communicate with me (constructive ones, please)
4) Have some Sensitivity to aesthetics
5) Teach me something new (can be something simple like an idea. Maybe on a weekly basis?)
6) Able to appreciate me and my quirkiness
7) Independent (as a person & with an independent mind as well)
8) Shares a balanced lifestyle of work & play with me

Okay, here's the list of honour (the following people are tagged...pardon me):
1. Megan
2. Twistedbrick
3. KimmyK
4. Mary P
5. Anck su Namun
6. Akela
7. White Magpie

Have fun!

Walk-a-walk

2006-01-17T15:38:00.000+08:00

As a child, I took walks with my granny in the mornings and in the evenings. Those were long distance walks.

As school starts, I took walks, traversing from town centre to where I lived. I developed good leg muscles and a lean figure.

As working life starts, there was no more walks.

Walks are only reserved for holidays.

Now I realise I shouldn't be missing out on walks. Walks give a healthy, fit body and a balanced mind. It gives us a breathing period amidst busyness and gives us back our perspective. Agree?

Kiss Factor

2006-01-16T15:46:00.000+08:00

Ever deep kissed and wonder what's exchanged in the process? (think dirty; referring more to germs, bacteria, etc)

Being a clean plus health freak myself, if there's any bad saliva smell detected during the process, questions start to race through my mind. One of them is why there's no bad smell sometimes and why there IS at other times.

One of my personal reasoning (may not stand) is that when two persons are deep kissing, their bodies should be emitting substance (sorry folks for any vague terms used, because I studied no biology, and I forgot chemistry) to attract one another.

So if there's an odour, it could be:
1) remains of food left in the mouth; saliva still breaking down food bits
2) some medical problems or oral hygiene needs to be stepped up
3) either one of the persons is not fully concentrating on attracting the other person

Number 3 is what bothers me. I test run this theory on my ex-boyfriends and current one. Till now, it seems to hold up quite well.

When I am distracted during kissing (with thoughts like how much laundry I am going to do later, I have second thoughts...), most likely the smell factor is bad. But if I am really into it, deeply engrossed and pleased with the potential outcome of all these kissing, saliva smells real pleasant.

Of course I could be deep into it but my partner isn't. So that probably explains why there's a presence of bad smell. Then my siren starts blinking red alert. If these occurrences are frequent, my relationship also starts to signal problem. The two always seem to tally.

Thus this factor of kissing is one way I use to gauge how well the relationship is going, whether there is any pretence.

At times I am afraid to kiss because of the reason I know...

The A t t i t u d e

2006-01-14T15:01:00.000+08:00

I never fail to be fascinated by the french and their attitude. Completely intrigues me and turns me on (of course I can't deny it's better if it's from cute men... Still I hold an admiration for their females too).

It's a certain combination of light-heartedness, playfulness, humour and confidence.

I love the way the waiters carry themselves, the way even grannies and pappies march down streets to demonstrate their own strikes, the way the adults won't hesitate to stop whatever they are doing just to give you a piece of their mind (even if it means in the middle of the road). Ho Ho. Actually the French are really nice and warm people, provided you don't test their patience.

I adore their passion for whatever they embark themselves on. The play factor in them does wonders too.

Give me that French attitude, it will bowl me over...

Retreat

2006-01-13T17:50:00.000+08:00

Have been adopting a retreat stance lately.

I find that it gives me a wider picture. Ironically more control over myself. No more the urge to control others or plan the outcome of things (esp important things in my life that are caused by others).

What a relief! I exhaust all my frustrations, all my thirst. In a turn of events, I think I accomplished more by letting go.

Humility is important. I never understood it more. I hope more learning will come. Happiness to everyone!

The sky is big...

In Lust or In Love

2006-01-12T15:26:00.000+08:00

I can't tell if I am in love or in lllllluuuuuussssssttttt....with someone in my life.

Yes maybe if we have carried on smoothly and TIMELY (that's important) from where we left off previously... we could be an item now. If my logical mind has not taken control over my pounding heart, I would have been flipping head-over-heels umpteen thousand times now. Then it's fair to say I am in true love...

But, we are not an item now. So I am in lust with him, right?

Sometimes we end up with partners in our lives who are the best catch or most compatible with the wants of our life at that point of time. They may be best in our list of possible people, but they are not in our list of I-want-this-guy-if-God-gave-me-freedom-of-choice....

Then at the end of the day, that special guy never leaves our mind. So what now? Is it more than lust? Thus upgraded to love?

Meanwhile the person-next-to-us becomes part of our lives in the advantage of time, durations...we have shared everything with him, so he becomes more than love?

Next time round......we will stop at saying "I am in love with you". We can start with "I am in luuuuusssstttt with you...fleeting lust....deep lust.........the list goes on..."

That hysterical side of me…hee hee hee ho ho ho

2006-01-07T15:32:00.000+08:00

Only a few friends are exposed to this side of me. Well, not everyone can take it. Am trying not to scare too many people off. Normally I am cool. A few sad things come and knock me over a bit. I take care of them, and in midst of settling all these problems, there is such a thing called ‘process’. My process comes with a few comic relieves here and there to give me what they are for, yes some relief, some light-heartedness.

I do laugh like any other person out here. I laugh when I am happy, when I am having fun. Problem is, I laugh too when I am stressed, clarify: Most Stressed. Not a problem for me but it may pose a problem for people around me. So I tend to keep it to just one or two friends close to me.

Really like the way one of my friends deal with it. She will go: ok, I know you are at it again…Control yourself…laugh laugh laugh. Pat Pat Pat on the shoulder.

Life goes on whether you are sad or not.

A lesson

2006-01-07T13:28:00.000+08:00

Years ago during my first encounter with snow, I was building a little snowman with my bare hands, of the snow collected at my window sill. That was fun. Once I shut the window, and I was back to the warmth of my apartment.

My next few encounters with snow were brief and there's little excitement. Most of the time, I was well wrapped up with gloves, coat, shawl, cap, etc.

Then after years of separation from the beloved white icy substance, I forgot all about the COLD. My next contact with it was filled with eagerness. I pulled out my gloves and grabbed a few big clumps of it; throwing them around and feeling their texture and soft mass!

My next few minutes were filled with regret. My hands were all numbed despite putting them back to my pockets for a long time. I really thank God I didn't drop any of my fingers and I am still counting them to ten.

Next time, I am gonna wear gloves. I will never forget that.

Opposites

2006-01-06T16:51:00.000+08:00

When it snows, our noses are too numbed by the cold to smell anything. Our eyes are only too pleased to see our dirty black grounds turn pure white...

Suppose it snows black truffles on white ground... what is visually disturbing, white ground fills with black clumps... will be offset by the heavenly fragrance of truffles...

Would you like this inversion?

Ice

2006-01-06T15:58:00.000+08:00

It has snowed in Paris!

Hello, Year 2006

2006-01-05T18:16:00.000+08:00

Hi Everyone, I am back from holiday :)
Will I grow old in Paris, dear pigeon on the right? Dear Mr Scarecrow on the left? Dear house number 12 on top? err....

Holiday Quest

2005-12-07T15:39:00.000+08:00

Am keeping my fingers crossed. If things run smoothly, it’s off to Paris in a week’s time. Have not done any preparation yet. Kind of rush. Too many other things to do. Too little time to spare for preparation. Have not:

a. book any hotel yet.
b. have not found my dear friend who is somewhere in this world. Not even sure if he is in France. Thankfully another friend who is making the trip back at about same time as me, has promised that he will do his best to locate our dear friend. He misses him too. Good friends are hard to come by. Once found, must remain in contact. Just pray that our friend is fine, alive, and happy.
c. have not done any background check on the latest infrastructure in Paris. I am crazy about seeing, walking, feeling and breathing the latest architecture, bridges, expositions, ideas and concepts. I am always in a state of HIGH whenever this happens.
d. have not bought the digital video camera yet. Done some checks but not sure if the model will meet most of my needs. The older models are cheaper because they run on mini cassette tapes; an hour per tape. Wonder how many tapes I need. The newer technology runs on memory but the price is high. Cough cough.
e. have not washed my winter clothes yet…
f. have not brushed up any of my French yet…AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
g. have not slimmed down enough…otherwise can’t fit into my clothes when there is another inner layer of thermal wear to consider. Aspire to be chic and beautiful in such a beautiful city. Sigh, VANITY. All women’s downfall.

My Christmas / Year-end list

2005-11-29T14:44:00.000+08:00

1. A boyfriend
2. A trip to Paris

Stop. Should be the other way round. 1. Go to Paris. 2. Get a boyfriend there. Ymmmmm. The rest can follow.

3. Go FNAC and listen to free music
4. Meet up old friends.
5. Check out the places I have stayed and been to before. And test my memory (smile).
6. Savor the beauty of the city once more, IN BIG GULP!
7. Get a cam-recorder or whatever you call that now.

Happiness

2005-11-26T15:18:00.000+08:00

After having enough courage to meet up with someone I have been dreaming about for 20 odd years, I would say that life takes an important, perhaps revolutionary turn. Afterall, I am heading for my happiness ;). I also spoke to my buddy friend briefly yesterday and today I had a happy lunch with him. Haven’t been disturbing my buddy ‘cause he’s newly married and don’t want to give him such bad news.

For the first time since a long period of puzzling mixed feelings of anger, confusion, mindlessness perhaps, and loss, TODAY I am back to myself. My demanding side has taken control. GOOD FOR YA, GAL!!!

Who needs a loser? Not me ;) I am ready for new dates, a new life, and new fun!! Keeping my fingers crossed now. Hopefully the Lord will grant me new happiness and new purpose in life. No doubt I haven’t been a real goodie, and not obedient (God has never advocated divorce. In fact, no man shall break what the Lord has put together.). Hmmm, I am sure the Lord has never wanted an adulterer for His child, right? Hope I don’t incur any wrath here… … please please please.

I am happy to stop everything I have now and start all over ;). I will spend a big sum of money just to settle the divorce, I will be losing some things but gaining some. I don’t mind. I am happy. I am more confident about my life now. Maybe I will go to my favourite city and start all over, maybe I won’t. But I am happy. ;)

Paris, here I come! Maybe end of this year, maybe early next year. ;)

2005-11-25T15:07:00.000+08:00

YIPPEE!!!! I MET UP WITH LTC TODAY FOR LUNCH!!!!

Hello, friend!

2005-11-23T19:17:00.000+08:00

Spoken to our dear lady, LC, whom my current partner, NTM, has been secretly having an affair with at this moment. It was surprisingly an enjoyable conversation with her.

Strange how both ladies are more ready to meet up and talk face-to-face with no-bars held. The male lead is still hiding in his hole. Sigh… Got the guts to be romantically involved with someone but no guts to admit it, confront it and face all consequences. What a joke… In the end, it’s still the ladies running the show. What an embarrassment for the man who is perpetually running away from responsibilities and problems.

In general, she is attracted to the same qualities I was previously attracted to 5 years ago. The side he presented to me was a man who was decisive, strong-willed and independent. At that time, our dear NTM was real cosy with me while telling me matter-of-factly that he is seriously wooing another lady overseas!?

I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with his relationship with this other girl then. All I knew was that she was blowing hot and cold with him. He didn’t seem to know how to solve the problems he had with her. I had a bit of soft spot for him as well as a bit of pity for him. These are EXACTLY the same emotions that are running through LC now; presently I am blowing hot and cold too, and NTM could not solve the deep-rooted problems we had in our marriage. I felt I was seeing me in her. Years ago, that was the same me!

>>>>sidetrack>>>>

For 3 years, I had been waving a red light distress flag, “honey, do you feel there is something wrong with our marriage? Why do I feel that you are not the same person I know when we were dating?”

“…” no answer. NTM swept under the carpet all the question-marks I had raised.

Second year of marriage… “honey, something is really not right.” I felt compelled to love the person I married instead of loving him naturally, you know, without using your mind to rationalize and psycho yourself, you must love, you must love...

“Accept! Maybe that’s the way I truly am. Why can’t you love me just the way I am now?”

Fume… I really don’t agree with that suggestion…

Third year of marriage…both parties start to feel the strain in the relationship.
NTM: you don’t seem to love me.
Me: (thinking) what do you expect me to say now? It has already been so long…

>>>> back>>>>

Now in retrospect, I understood what happened. The reason why all his girlfriends walked out on him is because (same reason as what I am experiencing now), there are two binary halves of NTM, completely opposite to each other.

To the TEMP person who is standing in for the person he truly loves, he is impressive. How? Here’s how:
He is a mimicker, basically setting himself to become whatever the people around him mould him to be. He will mimic their ideals, their characters, their interest, talking to them in whatever way that will impress them. He loves the company of strong-will people (because he is not one). So, with our super-power, high-performance peers, he too was strong, outstanding, individualistic.

To the person he loves almost whole-heartedly, here we have:
We are home where his daddy, mommy are, BABY-NTM surfaces. In his relaxed and true-self mode, he is actually an INdecisive person, DEpendent on his daddy (can’t seem to do anything without his daddy to help him), no opinions of his own. Well, well, well, imagine the surprise I got when I married him. Hey! Where’s the NTM that was presented to me? Did I marry a different guy? Okay, start all over, I was attracted to a strong partner but this partner seems to be underperforming…

Well, for your own good, my friend, be on the alert-mode because you could be short-changed without knowing the real NTM…Sooner or later, you will be facing the same cycle that is recurring whenever the real NTM surfaces; marriage runs into problem due to difference in expectations (or was it a deception in the first place? Before promises were made?). NTM runs to another available pair of arms, away without any attempts to solve his problems. SIGH!

m-E-o-W

2005-11-22T17:22:00.000+08:00

Last Friday was one of those nights that you would irk at even before it started. But God has a nice surprise for me.

I was home alone. The entrance grille door was locked but I left the entrance wooden door open. I like my spaces well ventilated. So no doubt it was night and my neighbourhood was quiet, I would still leave the door open. Only one small light in the living hall and my bathroom light were lit. It was still dark in the entire apartment.

I was standing outside the bathroom, half naked but still having a partial view of the living hall, when I heard an audible “meow”. I stopped digging in my drawer for clothes, and looked into the hall where the sound came from. There was nobody, no shadows too from where the entrance door was. I must have heard wrongly.

After I was fully dressed and was preparing to walk to the door for my night out, I saw something move on the floor. I walked quietly nearer. It leaped out from the shadows and out of the apartment via the grille door. It was a grey kitten! So I squatted down and try to coax it back with my own meowing. I am quite a cat-lover myself, so I do not mind having a cat in my place. In fact for the past few nights, I had been hearing some meowing. It sounded really desperate, like a kitten which was terribly scared and hungry. I thought somebody better help this poor soul. Now, the poor kitty actually walked into my place! Talk about connection.

(Sidetrack: My pet cat is staying at my mom’s place currently. As usual, moms are the ones cleaning the pets while we just cuddle and play with them.)

The kitten was really affectionate and was rubbing itself on me. It seemed really hungry. I gave her some water and plain biscuits. Sorry kitty, I don’t have kitten-friendly food with me. It took a dab at the biscuits but didn’t seem to want it. It wasn’t thirsty either. It continued meowing. It only paused when I stroke it or when I patted its head.

As I was intending to go out and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of leaving the kitten at my place alone, I phoned J. She stayed nearby and she’s a vet assistant. She was out but will return soon. She’s the best person to go to. She will know how to bathe it and attend to it. She has a mini-zoo at her place; two dogs, one cat that died recently, one chinchilla, a few dwarf hamsters, fishes and a bird. In the end, she took the kitten home. This morning she called me and here’s the good news: the kitten has been adopted!

Yeah! Happy meow!

Sanity in a bottle

2005-11-15T19:17:00.000+08:00

Life has been pretty fucked up for this week. For the last few weeks, it has been an emotional roller-coastal; sometimes things seem ok, sometimes it’s frustrating.

Currently, I am trying to maintain sanity on my own. I have quite given up on confiding in friends. When solutions are quick, friends are rather patient with you. When it’s a long-term problem, it’s really hard to ask for more patience.

I took up jogging. Part of the reason is to have an outlet for excess negative energy. Brisk-walking is good too, though I am tickled by the various awkward movements. What butt sways and twists, ha! I am not a natural with it. Now that I am desperate for an outlet, who cares for ladylike movements!

I jog at 8am, I jog at 8pm, as and when I need. Tonight I will jog again. Maybe during the quiet jog, I can sort out some of my thoughts.

Last month I started blogging. In fact, it has been therapeutic for me too. A bit of recording, archiving, a bit of retrospection, and hopefully, a bit of future planning in the process. Some answers from myself, and probably some feedback from others. It’s fun to read about others too; inputs from all sorts of issues. I felt enriched when I know more.

Trace Back Time 3

2005-11-11T15:15:00.000+08:00

LTC's Life Path Number:
7
A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul, and by nature rather reserved and analytical. The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find. Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion. This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise and confusion. You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too. You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy. You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone; your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide. It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people. You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. You really aren't a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness. Actually, it's not that at all, but merely a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration and because there is such a negative attitude. The negative 7 is very selfish and spoiled. If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the world really does owe you a living or in some way is not being fairly treated. Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.
http://www.astrology-numerology.com/num-lifepath.html

Trace Back Time 2

2005-11-11T15:09:00.000+08:00

NTM's Life Path Number:
1
The Life Path 1 drive in this life is characterized by individualist desires, independence, and the need for personal attainment. The purpose to be fulfilled on this Life Path is that of becoming independent. This is a two part learning process; first, you must learn to stand on your own two feet and learn not to depend on others. After you are indeed free and independent, you must learn to be a leader. Many of our Generals, corporate leaders, and political leaders are men and women having the Life Path number 1. The 1 always has the potential for greatness as a leader, but they may fail as a follower. Many 1's spend most of their lives shaking off their dependent side. When this happens, there is little time left for enjoying the rewards to be gained through independence. The individual with Life Path 1 has to overcome an environment in which it is very easy to be dependent, and difficult to be independent.
A person with positive 1 traits abounds in creative inspiration, and possesses the enthusiasm and drive to accomplish a great deal. Your drive and potential for action comes directly from the enormous depth of strength you have. This is both the physical and inner varieties of strength. With this strength comes utter determination and the capability to lead. As a natural leader you have a flair for taking charge of any situation. Highly original, you may have talents as an inventor or innovator of some sort. In any work that you choose, your independent attitude can show through. You have very strong personal needs and desires, and you feel it is always necessary to follow your own convictions. You are ambitious, and either understand or must learn the need for aggressive action to promote yourself. Although you may hide the fact for social reasons, you are highly self-centered and demand to have your way in most circumstances.
When the 1 Life Path person is not fully developed and expressing the negative side of this number, the demeanor may appear very dependent rather than independent. If you are expressing this negative trait of the number 1, you are likely to be very dissatisfied with your circumstances, and long for self-sufficiency. This is defined as the weak or dependent side of the negative 1 Life Path. On the strong side of this negative curve, the 1 energy can become too self-serving, selfish and egotistical. Over-confidence and impatience mark this individual.
http://www.astrology-numerology.com/num-lifepath.html

Trace Back Time 1

2005-11-11T14:37:00.000+08:00

You entered: 10/2/1974
Your date of conception was on or about 9 January 1974.
You were born on a Wednesdayunder the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2442322.5.
The golden number for 1974 is 18.
The epact number for 1974 is 6.
The year 1974 was not a leap year.

As of 11/11/2005 1:08:57 AM EST
You are 31 years old.
You are 373 months old.
You are 1,623 weeks old.
You are 11,363 days old.
You are 272,713 hours old.
You are 16,362,788 minutes old.
You are 981,767,337 seconds old.
You are 4.44735812133072 dog years old. (You're still chasing cats!)

There are 325 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 32 candles

Your birthstone is Tourmaline
The Mystical properties of Tourmaline:
Pink Tourmaline promotes female balance and protection. Green Toumaline promotes male balance.

Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Opal, Jasper

Your birth tree is
Hazelnut Tree, the Extraordinary
Charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

There are 44 days till Christmas 2005!

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waning gibbous.

6
The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.
The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.

Wednesday, October 2, 1974
Moon's age (days): 15
Distance (Earth radii): 61.55
Percent Illumination 98.36%
Ecliptic latitude (degrees): 3.81
Ecliptic longitude (degrees): 20.24

http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

My most beloved city, Paris!

2005-11-08T15:21:00.000+08:00

You Belong in Paris

Stylish and a little sassy, you were meant for Paris.
The art, the fashion, the wine, the men!
Whether you're enjoying the cafe life or a beautiful park...
You'll love living in the most chic place on earth.

What City Do You Belong In?

2005-11-05T13:05:00.000+08:00

Thanks Megan :) ,

I had a go at some of the tests too. Quite surprised by some of the results, especially the last two ones. Here's to share ;P

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give and take equally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

How Are You In Love?

You Are a Rose

You are a total alpha female who tends to be a leader.
Your friends depend on you to hold things together and make decisions.
Men are drawn to your feminine powers and strength.
While you are the center of attention, you are secretly introverted and a bit shy.

What Flower Are You?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:

You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:

You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:

You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You're Attractive:

You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:

"Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Are a Good Student of Men

You're pretty good at knowing what men are thinking
But you're not dead on 100% of the time
Let your guy off the hook sometimes... because you may be reading him all wrong!

How Well Do You Understand Men?

Baseball caps

2005-11-04T13:10:00.000+08:00

Lately I suddenly have an interest to wear a cap. Went to a sports outlet and got two caps instead; one in white/navy blue and the other in yellow. My friend said the one in white looks like a golf ball cap. Have not shown off the yellow one yet :)

Realised that wearing caps comes with a few unforseen benefits. I used to think that they are just used as sun-shading device or just to keep the head warm.

To name some examples:-

Yesterday I was pretty disgusted with NTM. Luckily I was wearing my cap and thus I could avert my eyes throughout the whole evening without looking rude. And I didn’t have to see him. Ha ha. No doubt I was grinding my teeth and didn’t have the choice to walk away.

Today I was really tired on the train. Slept through the entire morning trip. Fortunately my cap kept my hair in place and I didn’t have to look like one of those ghostly characters with long hair covering my face, and scaring everyone off. Besides the cap shielded my face and I wouldn’t feel awkward the minute I woke up and have my dangling head back in place above my neck.

Then while I was at my office building, nobody recognised me! Not even the security guard. Even my colleagues had a little shock. They thought a teenager had walked into the office. *Grin* No wonder movie stars or famous faces like to have their caps on. Great camouflage and hair accessory!

H-A-L-L-O-W-E-E-N

2005-10-31T15:26:00.000+08:00

Went to a Halloween party last Saturday, started out good with everyone surprising everyone in the darkness and with faces that shone only in the candle light. Ha ha. No pumpkins but we have orange balloons on the floor in place of that. Was expecting the halloween theme to go right through to the selection of food, maybe like a couple of bloody-looking tomato dishes. Nothing close to that and it was really tame, normal food we had.

Left early because there was another dinner appointment. We went to a Japanese restaurant. Nobody was celebrating Halloween there but the food that we ordered give us more gag than we bargained for.

To explain a little, it was one of those restaurants where a lot of Japanese go to and thus the menu was mainly in Japanese, with little English. We read no Japanese, so we just order whatever that seems exotic.

The first one that made us leap from our chairs is one that is called ‘milt’. Forgive our lack of vocabulary but we didn’t know what milt was and so when it came, we stared at the dish and then at each other. Mouths agape, half hoping that the dish might have been for the next table. Well, no, it’s for us. We asked the waitress what milt was, and that was when it dawned on us why the dish looked like the way it is looking at us… Okay, to clarify, it was the sperm sac of a cod fish. It’s supposed to be a delicacy. And, and! It’s not cheap. So happen that we chanced the season for that. My dinner companion was in a dilemma whether to eat it or not because mentally to him, it will be as though he is eating another male’s b*lls. To be honest, it tasted nothing like the other protein we imagined, and it was actually quite nice when eaten together with the sauce that came with it.

Then we had fish. Yeah! It’s called a sweet fish. I started with it’s belly. The white texture didn’t seem like flesh to me. My companion said it’s fish eggs. Okay, then I carried on to other parts of the fish. It’s still the same whitish-grey pearlly texture. Wow this fish is heavily pregnant, I thought. My companion explained that it’s probably the spawning season. At the end of it, the fish was truly full of eggs and there’s very little flesh to fill our stomachs.

Next, we had gizzards. Normally I don’t take that, but no harm trying. They came in the form of sticks stringing a few of them together and grilled over the fire. I believed they are chicken gizzards because they are quite small. Didn’t want to know too much detail then, especially when I was about to pop them into my mouth. What I understood was when you grilled these organs over fire, the outer skin tend to tighten and reveal partially whatever that is inside. So, the first piece at the end of the stick reminded me of the cranium of the other ‘head’ (of our male species)! WELL, FORGIVE ME. Our dinner was of the wierdest concoction, thanks to our choices, so you CAN’T BLAME ME for having a wild imagination while looking at my food!

I thought this meal was a more fitting meal for the earlier party.

Time-out 2

2005-10-27T16:07:00.000+08:00

It has been a trying few days for me. A few bad news here and there from friends, while I myself is burdened with some problems too. In fact, I spent my Monday night camping out at my brother’s empty apartment. Just need to de-stress and have some peace and quiet to recover myself. Home is no longer such a lovely one when I have to face NTM’s harsh words. Such a disappointment! Really don’t see why I should take the brunt of things when the one at fault is not me. Will see how long my patience can take me.

Then last night, I dreamt of my LTC again (let's call it my long-time-crush, can refer to my blog on Dream Hunt). This morning I decided to ask him for his email address. He gave. Wonder if he has the same dreams as I do. And wonder if I should tell him about it and if he has any solution to that. Any advice, anyone? Do I have to have the same kind of dreams throughout my entire life? Any dream-decoders out there too?

Time-out 1

2005-10-25T12:46:00.000+08:00

Time-out is very important to me. Even way before my NTM (can check out the definition on my earlier blogs) is no longer available, I have been doing a lot of things on my own, eg catch a movie, go to art galleries, meet up friends, have meals alone, cook for myself.
I think I am pretty comfortable with that. I find it very therapeutic. It’s like catching up with myself, listening to what my body and heart want, and just doing it.
I suppose I feel a little lonely at times, but it’s something I have to deal with. Loneliness is a problem when there’s something I want to share and no warm creature is available. Even so, I prefer to be alone than to be in the company of people who don’t really ‘click’ with me.
Let me give you a little of my background. Ever since when I was a kid, I ocsillate between being tremendously popular and being a solo. Once a classmate came up to me and said, "It's ok to be a loner. I admire you for that. :)"

AHHHH

2005-10-23T11:08:00.000+08:00

Blogging on a Sunday???? Get OUT and get some SUN!!!!

Bon Weekend!

2005-10-22T14:00:00.000+08:00

A great way to start the weekend. Flowers bring CHEER! Even photographs of flowers are pleasing. This is a photo collage of flowers in my kitchen. In times like this, one will question what my kitchen is used for!?! Not for cooking at this moment; definitely when the flowers are around, it's better to leave the grease and fumes to some other days. Cheers, Everybody!!!

Dream hunt

2005-10-19T13:27:00.000+08:00

Was reading the topic on dreams by one of the bloggers. Thought I will have a go at it. Ready?

I have a recurring dream and it has been going on for a long long period of time. So long that I can’t remember when it actually started and how long I have been having it. The highest frequency of occurrence is about 5 times a week.

The scenario might change but the content of the dream is always the same. I am always searching for a person. In reality, this person was a classmate of mine. I was eleven then when I first know him. It wasn’t a strong-impact-at-first-sight kind of thing. Nothing of that. In fact, I think it took a while before I realized his existence. And when I did, he strikes me as a very familiar person, as though I have known him for ages, as though we have been dear to each other before. Yet, we did not speak very much to each other. We were not even considered close as friends. However the strange aura about him being somebody very familiar always haunts me. I find every part of his physical body so ‘nostalgic’; the way his skull is shaped, the way he wore his shoulders, the way his hair bounced. Unintentionally, I would study him for hours in school. Just in case you think that I have fallen for him, I have to clarify that I was madly infatuated with someone else then.

Well, I couldn’t explain why I have this strong sense of nearness toward him. At that tender age, those surges of intensity started to translate in the form of a crush for him. I would call him up on the phone after school and talked to him for hours. He was always kind and amicable. I did not phone him very often, only about three or four times if I am correct.

About a couple of years later, after we left school, I was still calling him up once in a while. Somehow, he is etched in my memory. There’s no way to erase him. I have outgrown my so-called-crush on him and concluded that he will forever hold a special place in my heart. He is still a mystery but in my understanding, he is not boyfriend or husband material.

Now twenty years later, he still finds his ways back in my dreams. It’s very strange because in the dreams, all that matters to me is to find him. Yet once I am awake, the intensity fades quickly. Afterall, I have my own family now and from my understanding, he should be having his soon. We ran into each other once.

At one point, the frequency of such dreams was so high that I had no chance but to dial his home number (didn’t know if he will still be staying at the same place, but I still tried). He answered the phone! Went through a very brief chitchat, asked him how he was, etc. In the end, he left me his mobile number.

With his mobile number, I passed it to a buddy for safekeeping. I conclude that if he appears in my dreams so often, one day, if I ever were to fall into a coma, most likely I will have images of him all over my mind. My buddy probably has to enlist his help in waking me up! Ha ha.

Me & Cat

2005-10-18T17:41:00.000+08:00

Exciting!

2005-10-14T14:15:00.000+08:00

Suddenly this episode has an abrupt U-turn on my side. I am really surprised myself. To begin, I want to answer JL’s question on what do I mean when I say E can’t communicate well with me on certain topics, intellectually, to be specified. I was really vague myself and could not pinpoint it. All I know is that, somehow, on the intellectual part, we didn’t quite hit the high key note as much as I would have like to. I am always hanging in the sky, all by myself. I look all around, and there’s not a single bird flying near. It’s just the air and the clouds. So much for such a big space in the sky. Nobody here wants to take up any space or take in some of the air. Ha!

Then last night, I went for a talk. The level of discussion was fantastic. Ultra stimulating! It’s been a long while since I get myself immersed in one of these things. Though I did not participate verbally, (well, all the big shots are already fighting to talk) just listening to them is enough to get me …high…Errhemp! You get the picture?

Well, for some people, you can have an enjoyable conversation with them, a serious conversation, or a normal conversation. My conversations with E remain at this level. It will never be one of those highly engaging, passionate and greatly stimulating ones that get the mind going and going. I miss having someone like this to talk to, at least once in a while.

He gave you a solution. Or is that a solution?

2005-10-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

Now it appears that all men in our context are similar. I thought I found one who is different because he has been displaced from his own culture for half a decade but now is planted back in his homeland. I thought he could surpass all that. And being immersed in another culture myself, I have learned that you shouldn’t compromise yourself. Never give up your dreams. Dreams are possible! They can be achieved! They are real. They exist….. God has put me there to speak aloud to me. Yes, I have thrown away all my compromises that I kept long in my closet, and I promise myself, never one day will I say I will compromise for lesser. Never one day will I lose my direction. Most importantly, never one day will I ever lose my SELF again!

Well, now back in our homeland, back in our own context. He has succumbed, while I am still fighting. Yet the truth is, our partnership is waiting for an answer. We are back in the old world…

He has to be the one to have the first say and the last say. He must be pampered, praised and put before your own self. You, being the inferior sex, being the supporting role, will have no say in his presence. He prefers a silent, obedient wife who agrees with everything he proclaims, glorifies him and makes him the tallest man on earth and a very happy man of course. Well, no challenges, no opinion, no preference. Most of all, no questions and to be sorry all the time, “Oh I am so sorry, you are so right. Forgive me, I shouldn’t think otherwise.” He does not want to hear the truth spouting out from your mouth. He does not need you to voice out any thoughts that cross your mind. “Keep your thoughts to yourself,” that’s what he says. “Learn to constrain yourself, you should learn what to say and when to say it.” Small man needs to feel tall. And to do that, he must make another man shed his height. Excuse me, it’s “another woman to shed her height”.

Why does a man love a person with no soul? He loves a soulless person because he has a bad day at work. He loves a soulless person because he is tired and no longer wants to be challenged in the slightest sense. He loves a soulless person because he doesn’t want to hear anything different. He loves a soulless person because he has been saying yes to everyone the whole day. He loves a soulless person because he has had enough of taking orders from everyone in his office. Or so it seems. Could it be that he is too meek and too agreeable at work, and that he no longer has an opinion, that he has been pushed around? Oh no no no, I am so sorry, how could I have thought of it this way. No no no, he must have been the best man for the job, which is why everyone needs him, and every task is given to him. Oh he is so important.

“Accept!” that’s what he says. “Learn to accept the way I am. Learn to appreciate me for the way I am,” he says.

One can form an opinion and keep an opinion alive, without having to shut the whole world up. You can shut your wife up but is that the solution to your problem?

Context: His Office

2005-10-12T16:24:00.000+08:00

A 1.7m or 1.8m high partition, a mini sofa, an unfamiliar bath towel on a hanger, a polo shirt on a hanger, a coat-cover on a hanger, an orange umbrella, two used wine glasses on the table accompanied by an unfinished red wine bottle, one unfamiliar music CD (two disc), one box containing the remaining unused wine glasses in a plastic bag, photos of friends on the shelf, photos of wife’s cat on the partition.

Conclusion

2005-10-11T13:13:00.000+08:00

When the horse refuses to talk, and when there is no denial or clarification, only a sad conclusion can be derived; the answer is a yes.

(The shocking news is that LC is also married! Wonder if the husband is aware of his wife’s infidelity.)

???

2005-10-10T15:51:00.000+08:00

The handphone is on silent mode and is vibrating in the background while Imposter W is vacuuming the floor. W is asleep on the sofa.

Imposter W: “Hey your handphone is buzzing.”
W: [….zzz….]

Imposter W picks it up. There are two incoming messages on the handphone. She retrieves the messages. One of them is from LC. She has not seen the name ‘LC’ before. All the names listed on W’s handphone comes in full; completed with first names and family names. None of them is abbreviated. Nevertheless,

LC: [sms] I m cooking tomo b’fast.

Imposter W wonders what has another person’s breakfast tomorrow gotten to do with her husband. She asks W who LC is. W mumbles something and seems to fall asleep again.

Imposter W: [sms] Why?
LC: [sms] ?

Well, it’s a neutral reply. Imposter W takes a bath.
W comes to the bathroom and says that LC is just a colleague and she always prepares breakfast.
Imposter W finishes her bath while W begins his.
Imposter W picks up the handphone to see if LC has messaged anything else. She stumbles upon the message that W has just sent out a while ago to LC.

W: [sms] She’s monitoring. Talk to u tomorrow.

Imposter W checks the ‘outbox’ for other messages. W has deleted all other messages except for 5 remaining ones which dated today. This is really unusual for W, since he has never bothered to housekeep his ‘inbox’. It is usually flooded with hundred over messages. He has erased all his sent messages too except the last unfortunate one.

Hmmm, ‘monitoring’ is a strong word to use in this context if LC is a so-called neutral colleague who always prepares breakfast. On the other hand, W has been faithfully getting out of the house every morning at 5.30am to go to work. Very early working hours, in fact, for an office worker. Thinking back, W has been receiving a lot of messages at night, and they are way past dinner hours, in fact, close to bedtime before midnight.

A Spread on the Wall

2005-10-09T05:15:00.000+08:00

With my next-to-me no longer so "next to me" in my daily affairs, somehow I feel that I need another NTM in my life...

...

2005-10-09T03:39:00.000+08:00

An idea awaits an action. An action, not possible to implement except with the aid of another person, awaits a chance. A chance needs waiting…..